Many years ago, not long after I got married, I remember listening to a talk given in Church about love in marriage. Since the talk was in Italian and was given 30 years ago, I cannot remember the exact words that were used, but the concept was clear then and it is even more clear now: to love someone is not like getting a virus.
People who give up too easily on relationships because – they say – have fallen out of love, don’t really understand the real meaning of loving someone. We don’t fall in love as if we were getting a virus, and then fall out of love as if we were cured. Love is not a virus over which we don’t have any control. Real love requires action.
Keeping the Relationship Alive
In the #1 New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Dr. Gary Chapman explains how couples can keep their relationship alive and growing in spite of the demands, conflicts, and even some boredom of everyday life. It is an effective approach that help couples to “stay in love” and not “fall out of love” too easily.
Some couples believe that the end of the “in-love” experience means they have only two options: to live a dull life with their current spouse or to find another spouse. However, there is another better alternative: they can pursue real love and understand that the in-love experience is mostly a temporary emotional high that don’t have the power to sustain a long term relationship.
In order to be successful in the pursuit of lasting love, however, it is important to recognize that people speak different love languages. Chapman believes that there are 5 Love Languages, or 5 ways to communicate love to one another. If we want a long-lasting and loving marriage, we need to identify and learn to speak our spouse’s primary love language. While they may all be important, there is one love language that is the most dominant and vital for each person to feel loved consistently.
The five ways (love languages) to express and experience love according to Gary Chapman are:
- Words of Affirmation (compliments and verbal praises)
- Quality Time (undivided attention and meaningful activities together)
- Receiving Gifts (gift like flowers, chocolates, cards, notes, etc)
- Acts of Service (something that “shows” the love like cleaning the house, doing the dishes or the laundry, helping with projects, etc)
- Physical Touch (holding hands, being kissed, hugging, touches, etc)
The Love Tank
When people don’t feel loved, when their “love tank” is empty, that’s when their relationship is most in danger. Gary Chapman shares many examples of couples who were able to save their marriages by simply discovering their respective love languages and by learning to focus on making their partner feel loved through a particular “language”.
A question partners should regularly ask is: On a scale from 1-10, how full is your love tank right now?
Relationships have a higher probability of being successful when we focus on making our partner feel more loved. Identifying and then using their love language when interacting with them will substantially increase the success of the relationship.
Overall, this is a great book that will have a very positive impact on many troubled relationship or will help strengthen even more already successful ones.
3 Quotes from the 5 Love Languages
“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
“Real love” – “This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth.”
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our lot in life.”
― Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
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To check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman on Amazon.com, click here.
