Top 20 Quotes from “The Infinite Atonement”
“Elder Neal A. Maxwell suggests that the prime reason the Savior personally acts as the gatekeeper of the celestial kingdom is not to exclude people, but to personally welcome and embrace those who have made it back home.” ―
“We become like those things we habitually love and admire. And thus, as we study Christ’s life and live his teachings, we become more like him.” ―
“Every temptation proves a crossroad where we must choose between the high road and the low road. On some occasions it is a trial of agonizing frustration. On other occasions, it is a mere annoyance, a nuisance of minor proportions. but in each case there is some element tot uneasiness, anxiety, and spiritual tugging–ultimately a choosing that forces us to take sides. Neutrality is a nonexistent condition in this life. We are always choosing, always taking sides. That is part of the human experience–facing temptations on a daily, almost moment-by-moment basis–facing them not only on the good days but on the days we are down, the days we are tired, rejected, discouraged, or sick. Every day of our lives we battle temptation–and so did the Savior. It is an integral part of the human experience, faced not only by us but also by him. He drank from the same cup.” ―
“Satan has been successful in diverting much of the Christian world’s attention from the one doctrine that can save us, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, to the ancillary doctrines that have meaning only because they draw their sustenance from this redeeming event. Like a skilled magician, Satan’s every move is to divert our attention and dilute our focus from the primary object at hand, namely Christ’s atoning sacrifice, in hopes we will turn exclusively to doctrines of secondary and far lesser import” ―
“The Atonement of Jesus Christ outweighs, surpasses, and transcends every other mortal event, every new discovery, and every acquisition of knowledge, for without the Atonement all else in life is meaningless.” ―
“The powers of the Atonement do not lie dormant until one sins and then suddenly spring forth to satisfy the needs of the repentant person. Rather, like the forces of gravity, they are everywhere present, exerting their unseen but powerful influence.”
―
“Part of the human experience is to confront temptation. No one escapes. It is omnipresent. It is both externally driven and internally prompted. It is like the enemy that attacks from all sides. It boldly assaults us in television shows, movies, billboards, and newspapers in the name of entertainment or free speech. It walks down our streets and sits in our offices in the name of fashion. It drives our roads in the name of style. It represents itself as political correctness or business necessity. It claims moral sanction under the guise of free choice. On occasion it roars like thunder; on others it whispers in subtle, soothing tones. With chameleon-like skill it camouflages its ever-present nature, but it is there–always there.” ―
“If the Atonement is the foundation of our faith (and it is), then no one should be content with a casual acquaintance of this doctrine. Instead, the Atonement should be paramount in our intellectual and spiritual pursuits.” ―
“The Savior was no ivory-tower observer, no behind-the-lines captain… The Savior was a participant, a player, who not only understood our plight intellectually, but who felt our wounds because they became his wounds.” ―
“The Atonement is our singular hope for a meaningful life.” ―
“President Gordon B. Hinckley spoke of its relationship to other events in world history: “When all is said and done, when all of history is examined, when the deepest depths of the human mind have been explored, there is nothing so wonderful, so majestic, so tremendous as this act of grace.” ―
“This is the exalting quality—to become so perfected in our lives that not only do we live with God, but we become like him. This is the ultimate oneness. Oneness is not only a matter of geography, but of identity. The issue is not just where we live, but what we become. To live with God does not assure us we will be like him. All who live in the celestial kingdom dwell with God, but only those who are exalted become as he is. The objective of the Atonement is not just to cleanse us, but to so transform our lives and our way of thinking and acting that we become like God.” ―
“There was something in the Savior’s descent that made possible man’s ascent.” ―
“A cathedral without windows, a face without eyes, a field without flowers, an alphabet without vowels, a continent without rivers, a night without stars, and a sky without a sun—these would not be so sad as a . . . soul without Christ.” ―
“If there had been no Atonement of Jesus Christ, there would have been a terrifying oneness—a negative atonement so to speak—a living with and becoming like the Evil One.” ―
“his heart ruptured or broke in response to infinite suffering, then the fact that it happened on the cross, not in the Garden, would suggest that the cross may indeed have been the climax of his universal suffering.” ―
“The Savior’s message was essential to our salvation, but his personal exposition of it was not. President J. Reuben Clark Jr. gave this caution: “Brethren, it is all right to speak of the Savior and the beauty of his doctrines, and the beauty of the truth. But remember, and this is the thing I wish you . . . [to] always carry with you, the Savior is to be looked at as the Messiah, the Redeemer of the world. His teachings were ancillary and auxiliary to that great fact.” ―
“C. S. Lewis: “No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means—the only complete realist” ―
“But how does the Atonement motivate, invite, and draw all men unto the Savior? What causes this gravitational pull– this spiritual tug? There is a certain compelling power that flows from righteous suffering– not indiscriminate suffering, not needless suffering, but righteous, voluntary suffering for another. Such suffering for another is the highest and purest form of motivation we can offer to those we love. Contemplate that for a moment: How does one change the attitude or the course of conduct of a loved one whose every step seems bent on destruction? If example fails to influence, words of kindness go unheeded, and the powers of logic are dismissed as chaff before the wind, then where does one turn…
In the words of the missionary evangelist, E. Stanley Jones, suffering has “an intense moral appeal.” Jones once asked Mahatma Gandhi as he sat on a cot in an open courtyard of Yervavda jail, “‘Isn’t your fasting a species of coercion?’ ‘Yes,’ he said very slowly, ‘the same kind of coercion which Jesus exercises upon you from the cross.'” As Jones reflected upon that sobering rejoinder, he said: “I was silent. It was so obviously true that I am silent again every time I think of it. He was profoundly right. The years have clarified it. And I now see it for what it is: a very morally potent and redemptive power if used rightly. But it has to be used rightly.” ―
“At some point the multitudinous sins of countless ages were heaped upon the Savior, but his submissiveness was much more than a cold response to the demands of justice. This was not a nameless, passionless atonement performed by some detached, stoic being. Rather, it was an offering driven by infinite love. This was a personalized, not a mass atonement. Somehow, it may be that the sins of every soul were individually (as well as cumulatively) accounted for, suffered for, and redeemed for, all with a love unknown to man. Christ tasted “death for every man” (Hebrews 2:9; emphasis added), perhaps meaning for each individual person. One reading of Isaiah suggests that Christ may have envisioned each of us as the atoning sacrifice took its toll—”when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed” (Isaiah 53:10; emphasis added; see also Mosiah 15:10–11). Just as the Savior blessed the “little children, one by one” (3 Nephi 17:21); just as the Nephites felt his wounds “one by one” (3 Nephi 11:15); just as he listens to our prayers one by one; so, perhaps, he suffered for us, one by one. President Heber J. Grant spoke of this individual focus: “Not only did Jesus come as a universal gift, He came as an individual offering with a personal message to each one of us. For each one of us He died on Calvary and His blood will conditionally save us. Not as nations, communities or groups, but as individuals.”55 Similar feelings were shared by C. S. Lewis: “He [Christ] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only man in the world.”56 Elder Merrill J. Bateman spoke not only of the Atonement’s infinite nature, but also of its intimate reach: “The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses.”57 Since the Savior, as a God, has the capacity to simultaneously entertain multiple thoughts, perhaps it was not impossible for the mortal Jesus to contemplate each of our names and transgressions in concomitant fashion as the Atonement progressed, without ever sacrificing personal attention for any of us. His suffering need never lose its personal nature. While such suffering had both macro and micro dimensions, the Atonement was ultimately offered for each one of us.” ―
#Ad The Infinite Atonement is probably the most comprehensive, yet understandable, treatment of the Atonement in our day. thoughtfully probes the infinite scope of this “great and last sacrifice,” describing its power and breadth and explaining how it redeems us all. It is an exploration of the Savior’s divinity and the depth of his love for mankind.
About the Author
Tad Richards Callister was the 21st Sunday School General President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 2014 to 2019. He served previously in the church as a general authority from 2008 to 2014, including as a member of the Presidency of the Seventy from 2011 to 2014.
(#Ad) “Irresistible” by Adam Alter is a thought-provoking exploration of the pervasive and often insidious impact of modern technology on our behaviors and lives. The book delves into the captivating nature of digital devices, apps, and online platforms, shedding light on their intentional design to trigger addictive patterns of use. Alter delves into the psychological, social, and neurological mechanisms that make these technologies so alluring and difficult to resist.
Alter draws attention to the concept of “behavioral addiction,” a phenomenon where individuals become excessively engaged with digital activities to the detriment of their well-being and real-world interactions. He argues that the constant availability of gratification and the unpredictable rewards presented by social media, video games, and other digital experiences hijack our brain’s reward systems, leading to compulsive and often detrimental usage patterns.
The author also provides a historical context, tracing the evolution of these technologies and their increasing integration into our daily lives. He examines the rise of the smartphone and the subsequent explosion of apps and platforms that keep us hooked through clever design choices, such as infinite scrolling, push notifications, and personalized content recommendations.
“Irresistible” doesn’t solely point out the negative impacts of technology addiction; it also offers insights into how individuals, families, and society at large can address and mitigate the issue. Alter suggests practical strategies for regaining control over our tech usage, including setting boundaries, establishing “tech-free” zones, and being more mindful of the time we spend online.
Throughout the book, Alter emphasizes the need for awareness and responsible decision-making in an increasingly digital world. He encourages readers to critically examine their relationship with technology, understand the underlying mechanisms of addiction, and take steps to strike a healthier balance between digital engagement and meaningful real-life experiences.
In essence, “Irresistible” serves as a wakeup call, urging us to recognize the potential dangers of our digital dependencies while empowering us with the knowledge and tools to navigate the digital landscape in a way that enhances our lives rather than detracts from them.
(#Ad) Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked
Top 30 Best Quotes from “Irresistible” by Adam Adler
“Walter Isaacson, who ate dinner with the Jobs family while researching his biography of Steve Jobs, told Bilton that, ‘No one ever pulled out an iPad or computer. The kids did not seem addicted at all to devices.’ It seemed as if the people producing tech products were following the cardinal rule of drug dealing: never get high on your own supply.”
“To some extent we all need losses and difficulties and challenges, because without them the thrill of success weakens gradually with each new victory. That’s why people spend precious chunks of free time doing difficult crosswords and climbing dangerous mountains—because the hardship of the challenge is far more compelling than knowing you’re going to succeed.”
“Addiction originally meant a different kind of strong connection: in ancient Rome, being addicted meant you had just been sentenced to slavery.”
“In 2000, Microsoft Canada reported that the average human had an attention span of twelve seconds; by 2013 that number had fallen to eight seconds. (According to Microsoft, a goldfish, by comparison, has an average attention span of nine seconds.)”
“It’s hard to exaggerate how much the ‘like’ button changed the psychology of Facebook use. What had begun as a passive way to track your friends’ lives was now deeply interactive, and with exactly the sort of unpredictable feedback that motivated Zeiler’s pigeons. Users were gambling every time they shared a photo, web link, or status update. A post with zero likes wasn’t just privately painful, but also a kind of public condemnation: either you didn’t have enough online friends, or, worse still, your online friends weren’t impressed. Like pigeons, we’re more driven to seek feedback when it isn’t guaranteed.”
“In 2008, adults spent an average of eighteen minutes on their phones per day; in 2015, they were spending two hours and forty-eight minutes per day.”
“It isn’t the body falling in unrequited love with a dangerous drug, but rather the mind learning to associate any substance or behavior with relief from psychological pain.”
“Addictive tech is part of the mainstream in a way that addictive substances never will be.”
“They’re distracting because they remind us of the world beyond the immediate conversation.”
“It seemed as if the people producing tech products were following the cardinal rule of drug dealing: never get high on your own supply.”
“Most people spend between one and four hours on their phones each day—and many far longer.”
“Humans find the sweet spot sandwiched between ‘too easy’ and ‘too difficult’ irresistible. It’s the land of just-challenging-enough computer games, financial targets, work ambitions, social media objectives, and fitness goals. Addictive experiences live in this sweet spot, where stopping rules crumble before obsessive goal-setting. Tech mavens, game developers, and product designers tweak their wares to ensure their complexity escalates as users gain insight and competence.”
“One recent study suggested that up to 40 percent of the population suffers from some form of Internet-based addiction, whether to email, gaming, or porn.”
“There isn’t a bright line between addicts and the rest of us. We’re all one product or experience away from developing our own addictions.”
“It’s easy to look back at how little Freud and Pemberton understood of cocaine with a sense of superiority. We teach our children that cocaine is dangerous, and it’s hard to believe that experts considered the drug a panacea only a century ago. But perhaps our sense of superiority is misplaced. Just as cocaine charmed Freud and Pemberton, today we’re enamored of technology. We’re willing to overlook its costs for its many gleaming benefits.”
“There is one subtle psychological lever that seems to hasten habit formation: the language you use to describe your behavior. Suppose you were trying to avoid using Facebook. Each time you’re tempted, you can either tell yourself ‘I can’t use Facebook,’ or you can tell yourself ‘I don’t use Facebook.’ They sound similar, and the difference may seem trivial, but it isn’t. ‘I can’t’ wrests control from you and gives it to an unnamed outside agent. It’s disempowering. You’re the child in an invisible relationship, forced not to do something you’d like to do, and, like children, many people are drawn to whatever they’re not allowed to do. In contrast, ‘I don’t’ is an empowering declaration that this isn’t something you do. It gives the power to you and signals that you’re a particular kind of person—the kind of person who, on principle, doesn’t use Facebook.”
“Meanwhile, in 2015, there were 280 million smartphone addicts. If they banded together to form the ‘United States of Nomophobia,’ it would be the fourth most populous country in the world, after China, India, and the United States.”
“The problem isn’t that people lack willpower; it’s that ‘there are a thousand people on the other side of the screen whose job it is to break down the self-regulation you have.'”
“DNA evidence suggests that Neanderthals carried a gene known as DRD4-7R as long as forty thousand years ago. DRD4-7R is responsible for a constellation of behaviors that set Neanderthals apart from earlier hominids, including risk-taking, novelty-seeking, and sensation-seeking.”
“Tech isn’t morally good or bad until it’s wielded by the corporations that fashion it for mass consumption. Apps and platforms can be designed to promote rich social connections; or, like cigarettes, they can be designed to addict. Today, unfortunately, many tech developments do promote addiction.”
“It’s much easier to see the real changes between ten years ago and today than it is to imagine how different things will be ten years in the future. The illusion is comforting, in a way, because it makes us feel that we’ve finished becoming who we are, and that life will remain as it is forever. At the same time, it prevents us from preparing for the changes that are yet to come.”
“Internet Addiction Test Select the response that best represents the frequency of each behavior listed using the scale below…”
“Life is more convenient than ever, but convenience has also weaponized temptation.”
“Any nerve trouble, dyspepsia, mental and physical exhaustion, all chronic wasting diseases, gastric irritability, constipation, sick headache, neuralgia, etc. is quickly cured by the Coca Wine.”
“Coca is a most wonderful invigorator of the sexual organs and will cure seminal weakness, impotency, etc., when all other remedies fail.”
“So the Zeigarnik Effect was born: incomplete experiences occupy our minds far more than completed ones.”
“Irresistible traces the rise of addictive behaviors, examining where they begin, who designs them, the psychological tricks that make them so compelling, and how to minimize dangerous behavioral addiction as well as harnessing the same science for beneficial ends.”
“Most people spend between one and four hours on their phones each day—and many far longer. This isn’t a minority issue. If, as guidelines suggest, we should spend less than an hour on our phones each day, 88 percent of Holesh’s users were overusing…”
“Still, it’s important to use the term ‘behavioral addiction’ carefully. A label can encourage people to see a disorder everywhere…”
“In 2000, Microsoft Canada reported that the average human had an attention span of twelve seconds; by 2013 that number had fallen to eight seconds. (According to Microsoft, a goldfish, by comparison, has an average attention span of nine seconds.) ‘Human attention is dwindling,’ the report declared. Seventy-seven percent of eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds claimed that they reached for their phones before doing anything else when nothing is happening.”
30 Key Concepts and Insights from “Irresistible” by Adam Adler
- Behavioral Addiction: Technology can lead to behavioral addiction similar to substance addiction, where users feel compelled to engage with digital devices or platforms.
- Design for Addiction: Tech companies use persuasive design elements like notifications and variable rewards to create addictive experiences that keep users engaged for longer periods.
- Instant Gratification: Digital platforms provide immediate rewards, such as likes and notifications, fostering a sense of instant gratification that encourages repeated use.
- Variable Rewards: Platforms use unpredictable rewards (likes, comments) to trigger dopamine release, fostering addictive patterns akin to gambling.
- Compulsive Scrolling: Infinite scrolling, designed to keep users engaged in a continuous feed of content, exploits our curiosity and habit formation.
- Digital Dopamine: Technology-induced dopamine release strengthens the drive to use digital devices and platforms, contributing to addictive behaviors.
- Smartphone Revolution: The proliferation of smartphones has transformed human interaction patterns, creating new challenges and opportunities in how we engage with technology.
- Superficial Connections: Social media interactions often lack the depth and emotional resonance of in-person connections, affecting mental well-being.
- FOMO: The fear of missing out on social events or updates drives compulsive tech use, as users strive to stay connected.
- Reduced Attention Spans: Prolonged exposure to digital stimuli can lead to shorter attention spans and difficulties maintaining focus.
- Mindless Multitasking: Frequent task-switching between digital activities can hinder cognitive performance and productivity.
- Digital Overload: Excessive screen time is linked to mental health issues like anxiety and depression, particularly among young people.
- Tech-Free Zones: Creating spaces or times without digital devices promotes healthier boundaries and encourages real-world interactions.
- Mindful Tech Use: Practicing mindfulness while engaging with technology helps users make intentional and conscious choices about their usage.
- Tech Detox: Taking breaks from technology allows individuals to recalibrate and reduce dependency on digital devices.
- Setting Limits: Establishing clear rules and time limits for tech usage helps prevent overindulgence and maintain a balanced lifestyle.
- Awareness of Persuasion Tactics: Recognizing how tech companies use design to manipulate behavior empowers users to make conscious decisions.
- Real-Life Experiences: Striking a balance between screen time and offline activities is crucial for overall well-being and meaningful experiences.
- Digital Literacy: Understanding the psychological impact of technology equips users to navigate the digital landscape more responsibly.
- Sustainable Tech Habits: Developing healthy tech habits involves conscious choices that prioritize well-being and meaningful engagement.
- Social Comparison: Social media encourages comparing one’s life to others, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and envy.
- Privacy Concerns: Balancing convenience and personal privacy requires critical consideration of data sharing and its implications.
- Digital Identity: Online personas may not accurately represent real selves, leading to a disconnect between virtual and physical identities.
- Parenting in the Digital Age: Navigating children’s tech use poses challenges, necessitating guidance on setting healthy boundaries.
- Corporate Responsibility: Tech companies have a responsibility to design products that prioritize user well-being over addictive engagement.
- Intergenerational Differences: Different generations have distinct tech usage patterns and perspectives, shaping the digital landscape.
- Work-Life Balance: Maintaining a healthy boundary between work and personal time in the digital age is essential for well-being.
- Digital Nomadism: Remote work and digital nomadism impact our relationship with technology, workspaces, and physical environments.
- Addiction Recovery: Strategies like gradually reducing screen time or seeking support can help individuals regain control over their tech habits.
- Collective Action: Societal responses, such as advocating for responsible tech use and regulation, can address the negative impacts of tech addiction.
About Adam Adler
Adam Alter is an author, psychologist, and professor known for his work on the intersection of psychology, technology, and behavioral economics. He has written extensively on topics related to human behavior, decision-making, and the impact of digital technology on our lives. Here’s a brief overview of his background:
Adam Alter is an Associate Professor of Marketing at New York University’s Stern School of Business. He earned his Bachelor of Science in Psychology from the University of New South Wales and his Ph.D. in Psychology from Princeton University.
He has conducted research and published articles in various prestigious academic journals, focusing on topics such as behavioral economics, consumer behavior, and the psychology of addictive behaviors. His work often examines how individuals make choices, how they’re influenced by their environment, and how technology can impact their decisions and well-being.
(#Ad) “Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked” is one of his well-known works. In this book, he delves into the addictive nature of technology and its implications for society, drawing from psychological research and real-world examples.
Alter’s research and insights have been featured in popular media outlets, including The New York Times, The Atlantic, and NPR. He is recognized as an expert in the field of technology addiction, behavioral psychology, and the ways in which modern technology can reshape our behaviors and lifestyles.
Other posts about books and quotes
In this groundbreaking guide, (#Ad) The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life“, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from—and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship.
The Gaslight Effect arises from an intricate dynamic between two individuals: the gaslighter, who desperately clings to being right to maintain their self-esteem and a sense of dominance; and the gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to shape their perception of reality due to an idealization of the gaslighter and a strong desire for their approval. If even a tiny fraction of you believes that you are incomplete on your own, relying on the love or approval of your gaslighter to feel whole, then you become susceptible to gaslighting. Exploiting this vulnerability, the gaslighter repeatedly undermines your self-confidence, leaving you in constant doubt about yourself.
Are You Being Gaslighted?
Check for these telltale signs:
1. You constantly second-guess yourself.
2. You wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
4. You have trouble making simple decisions.
5. You think twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
Top 15 Quotes from The Gaslight Effect
“I think this point is so important, I’m going to repeat it: You should never listen to criticism that is primarily intended to wound, even if it contains more than a grain of truth.” ― Robin Stern“
“Don’t ask yourself, “Who’s Right?” Ask yourself, “Do I like being treated this way?” ― Robin Stern
“Gaslighting works only when you believe what the gaslighter says and need him to think well of you.” ― Robin Stern
“The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.” ― Robin Stern
“Paradoxically .. the very feminist movement that gave women more options also helped create pressure on many of us to be strong, successful, and independent—the kind of women who would theoretically be immune to any form of abuse from men. As a result, women who are in gaslighting and other types of abusive relationships may feel doubly ashamed: first, for being in a bad relationship, and second, for not living up to their self-imposed standards of strength and independence.” ― Robin Stern
“A gaslighter has such a flawed sense of self that he can’t tolerate the slightest challenge to the way he sees things. However he decides to explain the world to himself, that’s how you must see it, too—or leave him prey to unbearable anxiety.” ― Robin Stern
“When you don’t take responsibility for your actions, or deflect responsibility, or try to undermine the credibility of the person asking you about your actions, that’s gaslighting,” ― Robin Stern
“Five Ways to Turn Off the Gas 1. Sort out truth from distortion. 2. Decide whether the conversation is really a power struggle. And if it is, opt out. 3. Identify your gaslight triggers, and his. 4. Focus on feelings instead of “right” and “wrong.” 5. Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion—even if you’re right!” ― Robin Stern
“The essence of gaslighting is the Gaslight Tango—the dance between two people who each need the participation of the other.” ― Robin Stern
“The gaslightee is terrified that her partner might yell, or criticize her, or even leave her, and she’s sure that if her fear is realized, she’ll be completely overwhelmed.”― Robin Stern
“Now, instead of starting with your own perspective, you start with his. It may even feel normal to be constantly on the defensive. When your gaslighter overreacts, you no longer wonder, “What’s wrong with him?” Instead, you jump either to placate him or to defend yourself.” ― Robin Stern
“I also want you to remember that changing your own behavior is an extraordinary achievement and one that will repay you handsomely for the rest of your life.” ― Dr. Robin Stern
“When you don’t take responsibility for your actions, or deflect responsibility, or try to undermine the credibility of the person asking you about your actions, that’s gaslighting,” ― Robin Stern
“Gaslighting may not involve all of these experiences or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it extra attention.
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
6. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great. 8. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You have trouble making simple decisions.
13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.
14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person—more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.
17. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.
19. You find yourself furious with people you’ve always gotten along with before.
20. You feel hopeless and joyless.” ― Robin Stern,
“Remember: As long as there’s any part of yourself that believes you need your gaslighter to feel better about yourself, to boost your confidence, or to bolster your sense of who you are in the world, you’ll be leaving yourself open for gaslighting.” ― Robin Stern
(#Ad) The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life”
Other posts about books and quotes
(#Ad) The Myth Of Normal
In the year 2000, Cancer Nursing conducted a study on the correlation between the repression of anger and cancer. The intriguing question arises: how could a personality trait such as kindness possibly serve as a predictor of disease?
Dr. Gabor Maté, a highly esteemed physician renowned worldwide, believes that the answer lies within the realms of trauma and persistent stress. These factors, in fact, often form the underlying causes of what we commonly identify as disease.
Leveraging his extensive experience as a physician spanning several decades, Dr. Maté has embarked on a mission to challenge prevalent misconceptions surrounding the factors contributing to our state of illness.
In a society where the focus primarily revolves around the demands of the collective rather than the needs of individuals, numerous individuals are subjected to various forms of both minor and significant traumas. To cope with these distressing experiences, we often dissociate from the accompanying painful emotions, rejecting certain aspects of ourselves and distancing ourselves from meaningful connections. The origins of mental illness, addiction, and physical ailments can frequently be traced back to these internal wounds and the stress they imprint onto our bodies.
Despite the progress made by society in many aspects, the prevalence of disease and mental health disorders continues to rise. However, the medical system seldom takes into account the entirety of a patient’s life or their inner emotional landscape. Instead, it compartmentalizes the biological aspects of illness, divorcing them from their social context, in an attempt to cure the ailment and restore a sense of normalcy. But what exactly constitutes normal? It is possible that our pursuit of normality is, in fact, the very factor responsible for our initial state of sickness.
Gabor Maté eloquently dissects how in Western countries that pride themselves on their healthcare systems, chronic illness and general ill health are on the rise. Nearly 70 percent of Americans are on at least one prescription drug; more than half take two. In Canada, every fifth person has high blood pressure. In Europe, hypertension is diagnosed in more than 30 percent of the population. And everywhere, adolescent mental illness is on the rise. So what is really “normal” when it comes to health?
Over four decades of clinical experience, Maté has come to recognize the prevailing understanding of “normal” as false, neglecting the roles that trauma and stress, and the pressures of modern-day living, exert on our bodies and our minds at the expense of good health. For all our expertise and technological sophistication, Western medicine often fails to treat the whole person, ignoring how today’s culture stresses the body, burdens the immune system, and undermines emotional balance. Now Maté brings his perspective to the great untangling of common myths about what makes us sick, connects the dots between the maladies of individuals and the declining soundness of society—and offers a compassionate guide for health and healing. Cowritten with his son Daniel, (#Ad) The Myth Of Normal is Maté’s most ambitious and urgent book yet. (from the book description on Amazon)
Top 22 Best Quotes from The Myth of Normal
For if medicine is really to accomplish its great task, it must intervene in political and social life. It must point out the hindrances that impede the normal social functioning of vital processes, and effect their removal. — Rudolf Virchow, nineteenth-century German physician
The fact that millions of people share the same vices does not make these vices virtues, the fact that they share so many errors does not make the errors to be truths, and the fact that millions of people share the same forms of mental pathology does not make these people sane. — Erich Fromm, The Sane Society
Trauma is when we are not seen and known. — Bessel van der Kolk
Most of our tensions and frustrations stem from compulsive needs to act the role of someone we are not. — János (Hans) Selye, M.D., The Stress of Life
Perhaps the line between sanity and madness must be drawn relative to the place where we stand. Perhaps it is possible to be, at the same time, mad when viewed from one perspective and sane when viewed from another. — Richard Bentall, Madness Explained: Psychosis and Human Nature
Not all psychopaths are in prison. Some are in the boardroom. —R. D. Hare, Ph.D.
Everything in nature grows and struggles in its own way, establishing its own identity, insisting on it at all costs, against all resistance. — Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
What is trauma? As I use the word, “trauma” is an inner injury, a lasting rupture or split within the self due to difficult or hurtful events. By this definition, trauma is primarily what happens within someone as a result of the difficult or hurtful events that befall them; it is not the events themselves. “Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you’ is how I formulate it.” ―
The meaning of the word “trauma,” in its Greek origin is “wound.” Whether we realize it or not, it is out woundedness, or how we cope with it, that dictates much of our behavior, shapes our social habits, and informs out ways of thinking about the world. It can even determine whether or not we are capable or rational thought at all in matters of the greatest importance to our lives. ―
“If we could begin to see much illness itself not as a cruel twist of fate or some nefarious mystery but rather as an expected and therefore normal consequence of abnormal, unnatural circumstances, it would have revolutionary implications for how we approach everything health related.” ―
“One of the things many diseases have in common is inflammation, acting as kind of a fertilizer for the development of illness. We’ve discovered that when people feel threatened, insecure—especially over an extended period of time—our bodies are programmed to turn on inflammatory genes.” ―
“In the absence of relief, a young person’s natural response—their only response, really—is to repress and disconnect from the feeling-states associated with suffering. One no longer knows one’s body. Oddly, this self-estrangement can show up later in life in the form of an apparent strength, such as my ability to perform at a high level when hungry or stressed or fatigued, pushing on without awareness of my need for pause, nutrition, or rest.” ―
“Children, especially highly sensitive children, can be wounded in multiple ways: by bad things happening, yes, but also by good things not happening, such as their emotional needs for attunement not being met,” ―
“Work pressures, multitasking, social media, news updates, multiplicities of entertainment sources—these all induce us to become lost in thoughts, frantic activities, gadgets, meaningless conversations. We are caught up in pursuits of all kinds that draw us on not because they are necessary or inspiring or uplifting, or because they enrich or add meaning to our lives, but simply because they obliterate the present.” ―
“Our other core need is authenticity. Definitions vary, but here’s one that I think applies best to this discussion: the quality of being true to oneself, and the capacity to shape one’s own life from a deep knowledge of that self.” ―
“Chronic rage, by contrast, floods the system with stress hormones long past the allotted time. Over the long term, such a hormonal surplus, whatever may have instigated it, can make us anxious or depressed; suppress immunity; promote inflammation; narrow blood vessels, promoting vascular disease throughout the body;” ―
“It doesn’t matter whether we can point to other people who seem more traumatized than we are, for there is no comparing suffering. Nor is it appropriate to use our own trauma as a way of placing ourselves above others—“You haven’t suffered like I have”—or as a cudgel to beat back others’ legitimate grievances when we behave destructively. We each carry our wounds in our own way; there is neither sense nor value in gauging them against those of others.” ―
“Time after time it was the “nice” people, the ones who compulsively put other’s expectations and needs ahead of their own and who repressed their so-called negative emotions, who showed up with chronic illness in my family practice, or who came under my care at the hospital palliative ward I directed.” ―
“A society that fails to value communality — our need to belong, to care for one another, and to feel caring energy flowing toward us — is a society facing away from the essence of what it means to be human. Pathology cannot but ensue. To say so is not a moral assertion but an objective assessment.
“This Harvard research provided further striking evidence that emotional stresses are inseparable from the physical states of our bodies, in illness and health.” ―
“Single people showed an elevated risk for heart disease and cancer,” ―
“Creatures with poorly self-regulated stress reactions will be more anxious, less capable of confronting ordinary environmental challenges, and overstressed even under normal circumstances. The study showed the quality of early maternal care to have a causal impact on the offspring’s brains’ biochemical capacity to respond to stress in a healthy way into adulthood.”―
(#Ad) The Myth Of Normal
“Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away” (# Ad) is a book written by Annie Duke, a former professional poker player and decision-making expert. The book explores the concept of quitting as an essential strategy for success in various aspects of life, such as business, sports, and personal relationships.
Duke argues that quitting is not necessarily a negative outcome but can instead be a deliberate and strategic decision that leads to better results in the long run. The book provides practical advice and real-world examples to help readers understand how to apply the principle of quitting in their own lives.
Duke believes that people often fall into the trap of persevering with a particular strategy or course of action, even when it’s clear that it’s not working. She argues that the ability to recognize when it’s time to quit and pivot to a different strategy is a crucial skill for success in various aspects of life, including business, sports, and personal relationships.
Throughout the book, Duke shares insights and examples from her own experiences and from other successful individuals to illustrate how the principle of quitting can be applied in practice. She discusses how to assess when quitting is the best option, how to overcome the fear of quitting, and how to quit in a way that maximizes your chances of success.
Top 25 Quotes from “Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away”
“When people quit on time, it will usually feel like they are quitting too early, because it will be long before they experience the choice as a close call.” ― Annie Duke
“Contrary to popular belief, winners quit a lot. That’s how they win.” ― Annie Duke
“If you feel like you’ve got a close call between quitting and persevering, it’s likely that quitting is the better choice.” ― Annie Duke
“In large part, we are what we do, and our identity is closely connected with whatever we’re focused on, including our careers, relationships, projects, and hobbies. When we quit any of those things, we have to deal with the prospect of quitting part of our identity. And that is painful.” ― Annie Duke
“Switching to something, like a new job or a new major or a new relationship or a new business strategy, is perceived as a new decision, and an active one. In contrast, we don’t really view the choice to stick with the status quo as a decision at all.” ― Annie Duke
“At the moment that quitting becomes the objectively best choice, in practice things generally won’t look particularly grim, even though the present does contain clues that can help you figure out how the future might unfold. The problem is, perhaps because of our aversion to quitting, we tend to rationalize away the clues contained in the present that would allow us to see how bad things really are.” ― Annie Duke
“Success does not lie in sticking to things. It lies in picking the right thing to stick to and quitting the rest.” ― Annie Duke
“this idea of casting yourself into the future, imagining a failure, and then looking back to try to figure out why is called a premortem. Using a premortem is a great tool to help develop high-quality kill criteria.” ― Annie Duke
“What is true for grit is true for optimism. Optimism gets you to stick to things that are worthwhile. But optimism also gets you to stick to things that are no longer worthwhile. And life’s too short to do that.” ― Annie Duke
“In fact, losing feels about two times as bad to us as winning feels good to us.” ― Annie Duke
“They learned the lesson the ants have down pat: Don’t wait to be forced to quit to start exploring alternatives.” ― Annie Duke
“We are all trying to defend ourselves against how we imagine other people are going to judge us.” ― Annie Duke
“Quit and grit are two sides of the exact same decision. Decision-making in the real world requires action without complete information. Quitting is the tool that allows us to react to new information that is revealed after we make a decision.” ― Annie Duke
“By not quitting, you are missing out on the opportunity to switch to something that will create more progress toward your goals. Anytime you stay mired in a losing endeavor, that is when you are slowing your progress. Anytime you stick to something when there are better opportunities out there, that is when you are slowing your progress.” ― Annie Duke
“Quitting is hard, too hard to do entirely on our own. We as individuals are riddled by the host of biases, like the sunk cost fallacy, endowment effect, status quo bias, and loss aversion, which lead to escalation of commitment. Our identities are entwined in the things that we’re doing. Our instinct is to want to protect that identity, making us stick to things even more.” … “That’s why Daniel Kahneman thinks he needs a quitting coach, and why we all ought to see that need.” ― Annie Duke
“Optimism makes you less likely to walk away while not actually increasing your chances of success. That means that being overly optimistic will make you stick to things longer that aren’t worthwhile. Better to be well calibrated. Life’s too short to spend your time on opportunities that are no longer worthwhile.” ― Annie Duke
“When someone is on the outside looking in, they can usually see your situation more rationally than you can. The best quitting coach is a person who loves you enough to look out for your long-term well-being. They are willing to tell you the hard truth even if it means risking hurt feelings in the short term. Decisions about when to quit improve when the people who make the decisions to start things are different from the people who make the decisions to stop those things. Getting the most out of a quitting coach requires permission to speak the truth.” ― Annie Duke
“Silicon Valley is famous for mantras like “move fast and break things” and implementing them through strategies like “minimum viable product” (MVP). These types of agile strategies can only work if you have the option to quit. You can’t put out an MVP unless you have the ability to pull it back. The whole point is to get information quickly, so you can quit the stuff that isn’t working and stick with the things that are worthwhile or develop new things that might work even better.” ― Annie Duke
“When we are in the losses, we are not only more likely to stick to a losing course of action, but also to double down. This tendency is called escalation of commitment. Escalation of commitment is robust and universal, occurring in individuals, organizations, and governmental entities. All of us tend to get stuck in courses of action once started, especially in the face of bad news. Escalation of commitment doesn’t just occur in high-stakes situations. It also happens when the stakes are low, demonstrating the pervasiveness of the error.” ― Annie Duke
“The status quo represents a mental account that we already have open, which has sunk costs associated with it, the time, money, or effort that has already been put into the way we’ve been doing things. Closing that account by switching to a new option can make us feel like we are wasting those resources we have already spent. We also become endowed to the status quo, taking ownership of the decisions that have kept us in that groove and anything we have created along the way.” ― Annie Duke
“John Maynard Keynes, one of the most influential economists of the twentieth century, summed up this phenomenon well when he said, “Worldly wisdom teaches that it is better for reputation to fail conventionally than to succeed unconventionally.” Succeeding unconventionally carries with it the risk of experiencing failure as a result of veering from the status quo.” ― Annie Duke
“We are much more concerned with errors of commission than errors of omission (failures to act). We’re more wary of “causing” a bad outcome by acting than “letting it happen” through inaction.” ― Annie Duke
“When you are weighing whether to quit something or stick with it, you can’t know for sure whether you can succeed at what you’re doing because that’s probabilistic. But there is a crucial difference between the two choices. Only one choice—the choice to persevere—lets you eventually find out the answer.” ― Annie Duke
“A common, simple way to develop kill criteria is with “states and dates:” “If by (date), I have/haven’t (reached a particular state), I’ll quit.” ― Annie Duke
“We are much more bothered by the downside potential of changing course than we are by the downside potential of staying on the path we’re already on.” ― Annie Duke
(# Ad) Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away
Top 20 Quotes from The 5000 Year Leap Quotes
“Here is my creed: I believe in one God, the Creator of the universe. That he governs it by his providence. That he ought to be worshipped. That the most acceptable service we render to him is in doing good to his other children. That the soul of man is immortal, and will be treated with justice in another life respecting its conduct in this. These I take to be the fundamental points in all sound religion. –Benjamin Franklin” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“I sought for the greatness and genius of America in her commodious harbors and her ample rivers, and it was not there; in her fertile fields and boundless prairies, and it was not there; in her rich mines and her vast world commerce, and it was not there. Not until I went to the churches of America and heard her pulpits aflame with righteousness did I understand the secret of her genius and power. America is great because she is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great.” –Alexis de Tocqueville” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Strictly enforce the scale of “fixed responsibility.” The first and foremost level of responsibility is with the individual himself; the second level is the family; then the church; next the community, finally the county, and, in a disaster or emergency, the state. Under no circumstances is the federal government to become involved in public welfare. The Founders felt it would corrupt the government and also the poor. No Constitutional authority exists for the federal government to participate in charity or welfare.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice; but when the wicked beareth rule, the people mourn.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Why the Original Constitution Will Never Be Obsolete “And that is what the Constitution is all about — providing freedom from abuse by those in authority. Anyone who says the American Constitution is obsolete just because social and economic conditions have changed does not understand the real genius of the Constitution. It was designed to control something which has not changed and will not change — namely, human nature.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“A free people should be governed by law and not by the whims of men.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“The object of the Founders was to discover the “balanced center” between these two extremes. They recognized that under the chaotic confusion of anarchy there is “no law,” whereas at the other extreme the law is totally dominated by the ruling power and is therefore “Ruler’s Law.” What they wanted to establish was a system of “People’s Law,” where the government is kept under the control of the people and political power is maintained at the balanced center with enough government to maintain security, justice, and good order, but not enough government to abuse the people. ” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“The American Founders recognized that the moment the government is authorized to start leveling the material possessions of the rich in order to have an “equal distribution of goods,” the government thereafter has the power to deprive any of the people of their “equal” rights to enjoy their lives, liberties, and property.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Jefferson felt it should be the goal of the whole nation to use education and every other means to stimulate and encourage those citizens who clearly exhibited a special talent for public service. He felt one of the greatest threats to the new government would be the day when the best qualified people refused to undertake the tedious, arduous, and sometimes unpleasant task of filling important public offices.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“The Founders believed these same principles would work for any nation. The key was using the government to protect equal rights, not to provide equal things.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Franklin wrote a whole essay on the subject and told one of his friends, “I have long been of your opinion, that your legal provision for the poor [in England] is a very great evil, operating as it does to the encouragement of idleness. We have followed your example, and begin now to see our error, and, I hope, shall reform it.” A survey of Franklin’s views on counter-productive compassion might be summarized as follows: 1. Compassion which gives a drunk the means to increase his drunkenness is counter-productive. 2. Compassion which breeds debilitating dependency and weakness is counter-productive. 3. Compassion which blunts the desire or necessity to work for a living is counter-productive. 4. Compassion which smothers the instinct to strive and excel is counter-productive.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Legislation in Violation of God’s Natural Law Is a Scourge To Humanity” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Danger of Losing Constitutional Rights. Furthermore, the Founders knew from experience that the loss of freedom through the gradual erosion of Constitutional principles is not always so obvious that the people can readily detect it. Madison stated: “I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power, than by violent and sudden usurpations…. This danger ought to be wisely guarded against.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“The key was using the government to protect equal rights, not to provide equal things. As previously mentioned, Samuel Adams said the ideas of a welfare state were made unconstitutional: “The utopian schemes of leveling [redistribution of the wealth], and a community of goods [central ownership of all the means of production and distribution], are as visionary and impracticable as those which vest all property in the Crown. [These ideas] are arbitrary, despotic, and, in our government, unconstitutional.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Just how difficult this task turned out to be is demonstrated in a number of problems which have arisen in our own day. The failure to use the checks and balances effectively has allowed the judiciary to create new laws (called judicial legislation) by pretending to be merely interpreting old ones. Failure to use the checks and balances has also allowed the President to make thousands of new laws, instead of Congress, by issuing executive orders. It has allowed the federal government to invade the reserved rights of the states on a massive scale. It has allowed the legislature to impose taxes on the people never contemplated by the Founders or the Constitution. The whole spectrum of checks and balances needs to be more thoroughly studied and more vigorously enforced.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“The whole spectrum of checks and balances needs to be more thoroughly studied and more vigorously enforced. Madison appropriately anticipated that “parchment barriers” in the Constitution would not prevent usurpation. Each department of government has the responsibility to rise up and protect its prerogatives by exercising the checks and balances which have been provided. At the same time, the people have the responsibility to keep a closer watch on their representatives and elect only those who will function within Constitutional boundaries.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“Franklin noted that “there is a natural inclination in mankind to kingly government.” He said it gives people the illusion that somehow a king will establish “equality among citizens; and that they like.” Franklin’s great fear was that the states would succumb to this gravitational pull toward a strong central government symbolized by a royal establishment. He said: “I am apprehensive, therefore—perhaps too apprehensive—that the Government of these States may in future times end in a monarchy. But this catastrophe, I think, may be long delayed, if in our proposed system we do not sow the seeds of contention, faction, and tumult, by making our posts of honor places of profit.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“The physical sciences capitalize on the lessons of the past, but the social sciences seldom do.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
“The necessity of reciprocal checks in the exercise of political power, by dividing and distributing it into different depositories and constituting each the guardian of the public weal against invasions by the others, has been evinced by experiments ancient and modern, some of them in our country and under our own eyes. To preserve them must be as necessary as to institute them. If, in the opinion of the people, the distribution or modification of the constitutional powers be in any particular wrong, let it be corrected by an amendment in the way which the Constitution designates. But let there be no change by usurpation; for though this, in one instance, may be the instrument of good, it is the customary weapon by which free governments are destroyed.” ― W. Cleon Skousen
About the Book
(#Ad) The Five Thousand Year Leap: A Miracle That Changed the World is a book that was published in 1981 by American author W. Cleon Skousen. The book asserts that the United States prospered because it was established upon universal natural law principles that had been passed down from common law and traditional Judeo-Christian morality, as many of the Founding Fathers had been guided by the Bible among others. Thus, the U.S. Constitution incorporates enlightened ideas.
(#Ad) The Five Thousand Year Leap: A Miracle That Changed the World, Skousen define the 28 Principles of Freedom that he believes the Founding Fathers said must be understood and perpetuated by every people who desire peace, prosperity, and freedom. Adherence to these beliefs during the past 200 years has brought about more progress than was made in the previous 5000 years. These 28 Principles include The Genius of Natural Law, Virtuous and Moral Leaders, Equal Rights–Not Equal Things, and Avoiding the Burden of Debt.
50 Quotes From “Neal A. Maxwell Quote Book”
“Longevity does not automatically produce humility. The mere passage of time does not mean the automatic passing of milestones in personal development.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Righteousness increases the uniqueness of our presence, but sin sinks us into sameness” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“As the Lord communicates with the meek and submissive, fewer decibels are required, and more nuances are received” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Though imperfect, an improving person can actually know that the course of his life is generally acceptable to the Lord despite there being much distance yet to be covered” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“The more what is politically correct seeks to replace what God had declared correct, the more ineffective approaches to human problems there will be” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Someday, when we look back on mortality, we will see that so many of the things that seemed to matter so much at the moment will be seen not to have mattered at all” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“The seeming flat periods of life give us a blessed chance to reflect upon what is past as well as to be readied for some rather stirring climbs ahead” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“The gigantic, global collapse that is yet to come will not be that of a failing stock market, but the fall of hardened mindsets and collective pride when it all finally tumbles” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Jesus could not have done the things He did if He had been like some of us – fretting over dominion, fearing the criticism of the world, and seeking glory and praise. In contrast there was Lucifer, whose ascendancy was more important to him than our agency.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“As Jesus begins to have a real place in our lives, we are much less concerned with losing our places in the world. When our minds really catch hold of the significance of Jesus’ atonement, the world’s hold on us loosens” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Some … have actually removed the divinity of Jesus Christ from the center of their doctrines – only to see all the other doctrinal dominoes tumble too.”(Neal A. Maxwell)
“While recognition is a basic human need and is important in the public service, there are those who do too many things to be seen of men”(Neal A. Maxwell)
“Repentance takes care of the past, faith of the future, and the Holy Ghost helps us with today”(Neal A. Maxwell)
“Decrease the belief in God and behold the large increase in the number of those who wish to play at being God. Such societal supervisors may deny the existence of divine ways but they are very serious about imposing their own ways”(Neal A. Maxwell)
“We need not be atop high mountains or in sacred groves for God to be there. God is also there even in the mildest expressions of His presence. “ (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Unless we rebuild marriages and families, then we are just straightening deck chairs on the Titanic”(Neal A. Maxwell)
“The acceptance of the reality that we are in the Lord’s loving hands is only a recognition that we have never really been anywhere else” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Weak individuals make great dominoes” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Those who build the heavenly kingdom have always made nervous the people who are busy building wordly kingdoms. Noah’s ark-building was not politically correct.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“It’s easier to be a character than to have character!” (Neal A. Maxwell)
(#Ad) Neal A. Maxwell Quote Book
“Let us think of service not only as giving, but also as receiving righteously. Parenthetically, one of the many reasons why some of todays children have not learned to give is that some parents do not know how to receive “ (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Jesus didn’t find pleasure hanging on the cross; joy came after duty and agony. He went to Gethsemane and Golgotha out of a sense of supreme service, not because it would meet his needs… but selfish people are forever taking their own temperature, asking themselves, ‘Am I happy?’” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“In a selfish society, citizens are antagonists – not brothers and sisters “ (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Never have so many being schooled so much as to their _rights_ while, at the same time, being taught that there are no behavioral _wrongs._ (Neal A. Maxwell)
“God does not begin by asking us about our ability, but only about our availability, and if we then prove our dependability, he will increase our capability!” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Abortion, which has increased enormously, causes one to ask, “Have we strayed so far from God’s second great commandment-love thy neighbor-that a baby in a womb no longer qualifies to be loved-at least as a mother’s neighbor?”” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“When we don’t like to face up to hard facts, we use soft words. We do not speak about killing a baby within the womb, but about “termination of potential life.” Words are often multiplied to try to cover dark deeds.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Pilate’s hands were never dirtier than just after he had washed them.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Organized love is better than generalized concern.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Significantly Church members did not become inactive while crossing the plains, when the sense of belonging and being needed was so profound” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“We should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Only the Lord can compare crosses, but all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“One’s life cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Perhaps the greatest trial to descend upon modern disciples will not be military or political bondage but environmental bondage in which we are forced to live in a wicked world with evil ever present around us.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Trials and tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us, leaving the essence of what we really are and clarifying what we really yearn for.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Exceptional souls are not developed by being made exceptions to the challenges that are common to mankind” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Agency in its fullest sense requires the individual to be in command of himself, for one who is a prisoner of his bad impulses cannot really choose; another truth about “things as they are,” therefore, is that we either control our bad impulses or they control us.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“God leaves us free. He is deeply committed to our moral agency and to letting people make mistakes if they choose to. And war is the reflection of how institutions fail and of the corruption of individuals. And yet, God leaves us mortals free to make decisions. Sometimes God intervenes as in the Noachian flood, or in Sodom and Gomorrah, but not always. And so needless and terrible tragedies occur because of leaders’ and people’s misuse of their freedom” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“While we usually think of apostasy solely in terms of theological deviation, we often fail to see its connections to the everyday, human condition in which the consequences of that deviation are enormous” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“No attacks on the Church will be more bitter or more persistent than those made in the Salt Lake Valley. No taunts will be more shrill than those of apostates and excommunicants. In that valley and in the state of Utah, Church members will be accused of the “crime” of being a majority! Some clever defectors will imitate their model, Satan, and will try to take others over the side with them. Elsewhere, you will encounter the same sort of snobbery that gave rise to “can any good thing come out of Nazareth?”” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“The quiet and steady decrease of faith leads to a surrendering to the world. When that happens there are no white flags or formal, public ceremonies marking such subjugation. The adversary cleverly does not insist on these ceremonies so long as the results are what he desires. A few “sell out” directly, like Judas. Thirty pieces of silver are not necessary if a little notoriety will suffice.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“We have been given apostles and prophets not only “for the perfecting of the Saints” but also to make sure that we are “no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine” (Eph. 4:11-14). Apostolic watchcare over the doctrines of the kingdom, in order to keep them pure, is a very important duty. The performance of that important duty should be expected, not resented.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“We cannot safely trust “in the arm of flesh.” Even when it is pumped full of steroids, it lacks the strength to maintain its grasp on the iron rod. Not alone does the arm of flesh finally prove anemic, but it always reaches for the wrong things (see 2 Chr. 32:8; Jer. 17:5)” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“The absence of authority is not freedom; nothing is more controlling than anarchy-in the home or in the streets” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Even if we decide to leave Babylon, some of us endeavor to keep a second residence there, or we commute on weekends.” (Neal A. Maxwell)
“Take away regard for the seventh commandment, and behold the current celebration of sex, the secular religion, with its own liturgy of lust and supporting music. Its theology focuses on self, its hereafter is now. Its chief ritual is sensation-though the irony is that it finally desensitizes its obsessed adherents, who become “past feeling” (Neal A. Maxwell)
Neal Ash Maxwell (July 6, 1926 – July 21, 2004) was an American scholar, educator, and religious leader who served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) from 1981 until his death.
Cal Newport, in (#Ad) Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World defines “Deep Work” as one of the most valuable skills in our economy and one which is becoming increasingly rare.
Deep work is the ability to focus without distraction on a cognitively demanding task. It’s a skill that allows you to quickly master complicated information and produce better results in less time. Deep work will make you better at what you do and provide the sense of true fulfillment that comes from craftsmanship. In short, deep work is like a super power in our increasingly competitive twenty-first century economy. And yet, most people have lost the ability to go deep-spending their days instead in a frantic blur of e-mail and social media, not even realizing there’s a better way.
In DEEP WORK, author and professor Cal Newport flips the narrative on impact in a connected age. Instead of arguing distraction is bad, he instead celebrates the power of its opposite. Dividing this book into two parts, he first makes the case that in almost any profession, cultivating a deep work ethic will produce massive benefits. He then presents a rigorous training regimen, presented as a series of four “rules,” for transforming your mind and habits to support this skill.
A mix of cultural criticism and actionable advice, DEEP WORK takes the reader on a journey through memorable stories — from Carl Jung building a stone tower in the woods to focus his mind, to a social media pioneer buying a round-trip business class ticket to Tokyo to write a book free from distraction in the air — and no-nonsense advice, such as the claim that most serious professionals should quit social media and that you should practice being bored. DEEP WORK is an indispensable guide to anyone seeking focused success in a distracted world (Read on Amazon).
Top 55 Best Quotes from “Deep Work” by Cal Newport
“The Deep Work Hypothesis: The ability to perform deep work is becoming increasingly rare at exactly the same time it is becoming increasingly valuable in our economy. As a consequence, the few who cultivate this skill, and then make it the core of their working life, will thrive.” ― Cal Newport
“When you have fewer hours you usually spend them more wisely.” ― Cal Newport
“Deep work is at a severe disadvantage in a technology because it builds on values like quality, craftsmanship, and mastery that are decidedly old-fashioned and nontechnological. Even worse, to support deep work often requires the rejection of much of what is new and high-tech.” ― Cal Newport
“If you don’t produce, you won’t thrive—no matter how skilled or talented you are.” ― Cal Newport
“The value of deep work vastly outweighs the value of shallow, but this doesn’t mean that you must quixotically pursue a schedule in which all of your time is invested in depth.” ― Cal Newport
“Deep work is necessary to wring every last drop of value out of your current intellectual capacity.” ― Cal Newport
“Like fingers pointing to the moon, other diverse disciplines from anthropology to education, behavioral economics to family counseling, similarly suggest that the skillful management of attention is the sine qua non of the good life and the key to improving virtually every aspect of your experience.” ― Cal Newport
“Clarity about what matters provides clarity about what does not.” ― Cal Newport
“Who you are, what you think, feel, and do, what you love—is the sum of what you focus on.” ― Cal Newport
“what we choose to focus on and what we choose to ignore—plays in defining the quality of our life.” ― Cal Newport
“Two Core Abilities for Thriving in the New Economy 1. The ability to quickly master hard things. 2. The ability to produce at an elite level, in terms of both quality and speed.” ― Cal Newport
“The shallow work that increasingly dominates the time and attention of knowledge workers is less vital than it often seems in the moment.” ― Cal Newport
“As the author Tim Ferriss once wrote: “Develop the habit of letting small bad things happen. If you don’t, you’ll never find time for the life-changing big things.” ― Cal Newport
The reason knowledge workers are losing their familiarity with deep work is well established: network tools. This is a broad category that captures communication services like e-mail and SMS, social media networks like Twitter and Facebook, and the shiny tangle of infotainment sites like BuzzFeed and Reddit. In aggregate, the rise of these tools, combined with ubiquitous access to them through smartphones and networked office computers, has fragmented most knowledge workers’ attention into slivers.” ― Cal Newport
“if you keep interrupting your evening to check and respond to e-mail, or put aside a few hours after dinner to catch up on an approaching deadline, you’re robbing your directed attention centers of the uninterrupted rest they need for restoration. Even if these work dashes consume only a small amount of time, they prevent you from reaching the levels of deeper relaxation in which attention restoration can occur. Only the confidence that you’re done with work until the next day can convince your brain to downshift to the level where it can begin to recharge for the next day to follow. Put another way, trying to squeeze a little more work out of your evenings might reduce your effectiveness the next day enough that you end up getting less done than if you had instead respected a shutdown.” ― Cal Newport
“To simply wait and be bored has become a novel experience in modern life, but from the perspective of concentration training, it’s incredibly valuable.” ― Cal Newport
“If you can’t learn, you can’t thrive.” ― Cal Newport
“Ironically, jobs are actually easier to enjoy than free time, because like flow activities they have built-in goals, feedback rules, and challenges, all of which encourage one to become involved in one’s work, to concentrate and lose oneself in it. Free time, on the other hand, is unstructured, and requires much greater effort to be shaped into something that can be enjoyed.” ― Cal Newport
“Efforts to deepen your focus will struggle if you don’t simultaneously wean your mind from a dependence on distraction.” ― Cal Newport
“We tend to place a lot of emphasis on our circumstances, assuming that what happens to us (or fails to happen) determines how we feel. From this perspective, the small-scale details of how you spend your day aren’t that important, because what matters are the large-scale outcomes, such as whether or not you get a promotion or move to that nicer apartment. According to Gallagher, decades of research contradict this understanding. Our brains instead construct our worldview based on what we pay attention to.” ― Cal Newport
“Less mental clutter means more mental resources available for deep thinking.” ― Cal Newport
“Human beings, it seems, are at their best when immersed deeply in something challenging. ― Cal Newport
“Feynman was adamant in avoiding administrative duties because he knew they would only decrease his ability to do the one thing that mattered most in his professional life: “to do real good physics work.” ― Cal Newport
“The task of a craftsman, they conclude, “is not to generate meaning, but rather to cultivate in himself the skill of discerning the meanings that are already there.” ― Cal Newport
(#Ad) Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World
“Another key commitment for succeeding with this strategy is to support your commitment to shutting down with a strict shutdown ritual that you use at the end of the workday to maximize the probability that you succeed. In more detail, this ritual should ensure that every incomplete task, goal, or project has been reviewed and that for each you have confirmed that either (1) you have a plan you trust for its completion, or (2) it’s captured in a place where it will be revisited when the time is right. The process should be an algorithm: a series of steps you always conduct, one after another. When you’re done, have a set phrase you say that indicates completion (to end my own ritual, I say, “Shutdown complete”). This final step sounds cheesy, but it provides a simple cue to your mind that it’s safe to release work-related thoughts for the rest of the day.” ― Cal Newport
“(As Nietzsche said: “It is only ideas gained from walking that have any worth.”)” ― Cal Newport
“In this new economy, three groups will have a particular advantage: those who can work well and creatively with intelligent machines, those who are the best at what they do, and those with access to capital.” ― Cal Newport
“Once your brain has become accustomed to on-demand distraction, Nass discovered, it’s hard to shake the addiction even when you want to concentrate. To put this more concretely: If every moment of potential boredom in your life—say, having to wait five minutes in line or sit alone in a restaurant until a friend arrives—is relieved with a quick glance at your smartphone, then your brain has likely been rewired to a point where, like the “mental wrecks” in Nass’s research, it’s not ready for deep work—even if you regularly schedule time to practice this concentration.”― Cal Newport
“Your will, in other words, is not a manifestation of your character that you can deploy without limit; it’s instead like a muscle that tires.” ― Cal Newport
“If you service low-impact activities, therefore, you’re taking away time you could be spending on higher-impact activities. It’s a zero-sum game.” ― Cal Newport
“[Great creative minds] think like artists but work like accountants.” ― Cal Newport
“To produce at your peak level you need to work for extended periods with full concentration on a single task free from distraction. Put another way, the type of work that optimizes your performance is deep work.” ― Cal Newport
““Beautiful code is short and concise, so if you were to give that code to another programmer they would say, “oh, that’s well written code.” It’s much like as if you were writing a poem.” ― Cal Newport
“This, ultimately, is the lesson to come away with from our brief foray into the world of experimental psychology: To build your working life around the experience of flow produced by deep work is a proven path to deep satisfaction.” ― Cal Newport
“A side effect of memory training, in other words, is an improvement in your general ability to concentrate. This ability can then be fruitfully applied to any task demanding deep work.” ― Cal Newport
“In our current culture, we place a lot of emphasis on job description. Our obsession with the advice to “follow your passion” …, for example, is motivated by the (flawed) idea that what matters most for your career satisfaction is the specifics of the job you choose. In this way of thinking, there are some rarified jobs that can be a source of satisfaction—perhaps working in a nonprofit or starting a software company—while all others are soulless and bland. The philosophy of Dreyfus and Kelly frees us from such traps. The craftsmen they cite don’t have rarified jobs. Throughout most of human history, to be a blacksmith or a wheelwright wasn’t glamorous. But this doesn’t matter, as the specifics of the work are irrelevant. The meaning uncovered by such efforts is due to the skill and appreciation inherent in craftsmanship—not the outcomes of their work.” ― Cal Newport
“If you want to win the war for attention, don’t try to say ‘no’ to the trivial distractions you find on the information smorgasbord; try to say ‘yes’ to the subject that arouses a terrifying longing, and let the terrifying longing crowd out everything else.” ― Cal Newport
“Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets … it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done.” ― Cal Newport
“Busyness as Proxy for Productivity: In the absence of clear indicators of what it means to be productive and valuable in their jobs, many knowledge workers turn back toward an industrial indicator of productivity: doing lots of stuff in a visible manner.” ― Cal Newport
“To remain valuable in our economy, therefore, you must master the art of quickly learning complicated things.” ― Cal Newport
“Then there’s the issue of cognitive capacity. Deep work is exhausting because it pushes you toward the limit of your abilities. Performance psychologists have extensively studied how much such efforts can be sustained by an individual in a given day.* In their seminal paper on deliberate practice, Anders Ericsson and his collaborators survey these studies. They note that for someone new to such practice (citing, in particular, a child in the early stages of developing an expert-level skill), an hour a day is a reasonable limit. For those familiar with the rigors of such activities, the limit expands to something like four hours, but rarely more.” ― Cal Newport
“Decades of work from multiple different subfields within psychology all point toward the conclusion that regularly resting your brain improves the quality of your deep work. When you work, work hard. When you’re done, be done. Your average e-mail response time might suffer some, but you’ll more than make up for this with the sheer volume of truly important work produced during the day by your refreshed ability to dive deeper than your exhausted peers.” ― Cal Newport
“When Carl Jung wanted to revolutionize the field of psychiatry, he built a retreat in the woods. Jung’s Bollingen Tower became a place where he could maintain his ability to think deeply and then apply the skill to produce work of such stunning originality that it changed the world. In the pages ahead, I’ll try to convince you to join me in the effort to build our own personal Bollingen Towers; to cultivate an ability to produce real value in an increasingly distracted world; and to recognize a truth embraced by the most productive and important personalities of generations past: A deep life is a good life.” ― Cal Newport
“To do real good physics work, you do need absolute solid lengths of time … it needs a lot of concentration … if you have a job administrating anything, you don’t have the time. So I have invented another myth for myself: that I’m irresponsible. I’m actively irresponsible. I tell everyone I don’t do anything. If anyone asks me to be on a committee for admissions, “no,” I tell them: I’m irresponsible.” ― Cal Newport
“The key to developing a deep work habit is to move beyond good intentions and add routines and rituals to your working life designed to minimize the amount of your limited willpower necessary to transition into and maintain a state of unbroken concentration.” ― Cal Newport
“With these rough categorizations established, the strategy works as follows: Schedule in advance when you’ll use the Internet, and then avoid it altogether outside these times. I suggest that you keep a notepad near your computer at work. On this pad, record the next time you’re allowed to use the Internet. Until you arrive at that time, absolutely no network connectivity is allowed—no matter how tempting.” ― Cal Newport
“Giving students iPads or allowing them to film homework assignments on YouTube prepares them for a high-tech economy about as much as playing with Hot Wheels would prepare them to thrive as auto mechanics.” ― Cal Newport
“I have been a happy man ever since January 1, 1990, when I no longer had an email address. I’d used email since about 1975, and it seems to me that 15 years of email is plenty for one lifetime. Email is a wonderful thing for people whose role in life is to be on top of things. But not for me; my role is to be on the bottom of things. What I do takes long hours of studying and uninterruptible concentration. Knuth” ― Cal Newport
“I argue that his approach to batching helps explain this paradox. In particular, by consolidating his work into intense and uninterrupted pulses, he’s leveraging the following law of productivity: High-Quality Work Produced = (Time Spent) x (Intensity of Focus)” ― Cal Newport
“decade: “The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” Csikszentmihalyi calls this mental state flow (a term he popularized with a 1990 book of the same title).” ― Cal Newport
“This new science of performance argues that you get better at a skill as you develop more myelin around the relevant neurons, allowing the corresponding circuit to fire more effortlessly and effectively. To be great at something is to be well myelinated. This understanding is important because it provides a neurological foundation for why deliberate practice works. By focusing intensely on a specific skill, you’re forcing the specific relevant circuit to fire, again and again, in isolation. This repetitive use of a specific circuit triggers cells called oligodendrocytes to begin wrapping layers of myelin around the neurons in the circuits—effectively cementing the skill. The reason, therefore, why it’s important to focus intensely on the task at hand while avoiding distraction is because this is the only way to isolate the relevant neural circuit enough to trigger useful myelination. By contrast, if you’re trying to learn a complex new skill (say, SQL database management) in a state of low concentration (perhaps you also have your Facebook feed open), you’re firing too many circuits simultaneously and haphazardly to isolate the group of neurons you actually want to strengthen. ” ― Cal Newport
“Whether you’re a writer, marketer, consultant, or lawyer: Your work is craft, and if you hone your ability and apply it with respect and care, then like the skilled wheelwright you can generate meaning in the daily efforts of your professional life.” ― Cal Newport
“Seinfeld began his advice to Isaac with some common sense, noting “the way to be a better comic was to create better jokes,” and then explaining that the way to create better jokes was to write every day. Seinfeld continued by describing a specific technique he used to help maintain this discipline. He keeps a calendar on his wall. Every day that he writes jokes he crosses out the date on the calendar with a big red X. “After a few days you’ll have a chain,” Seinfeld said. “Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain.” This chain method (as some now call it) soon became a hit among writers and fitness enthusiasts—communities that thrive on the ability to do hard things consistently.” ― Cal Newport
“Deep Work: Professional activities performed in a state of distraction-free concentration that push your cognitive capabilities to their limit. These efforts create new value, improve your skill, and are hard to replicate.” ― Cal Newport
“To leave the distracted masses to join the focused few, I’m arguing, is a transformative experience. The deep life, of course, is not for everybody. It requires hard work and drastic changes to your habits. For many, there’s a comfort in the artificial busyness of rapid e-mail messaging and social media posturing, while the deep life demands that you leave much of that behind. There’s also an uneasiness that surrounds any effort to produce the best things you’re capable of producing, as this forces you to confront the possibility that your best is not (yet) that good. It’s safer to comment on our culture than to step into the Rooseveltian ring and attempt to wrestle it into something better.” ― Cal Newport
“Busyness as Proxy for Productivity: In the absence of clear indicators of what it means to be productive and valuable in their jobs, many knowledge workers turn back toward an industrial indicator of productivity: doing lots of stuff in a visible manner.” ― Cal Newport
“Rosen explains as follows: “Hearing a succession of mediocre singers does not add up to a single outstanding performance.” In other words, talent is not a commodity you can buy in bulk and combine to reach the needed levels: There’s a premium to being the best. Therefore, if you’re in a marketplace where the consumer has access to all performers, and everyone’s value is clear, the consumer will choose the very best.” ― Cal Newport
Cal Newport
Cal Newport is a computer science professor at Georgetown University, and a writer who explores the intersections of technology, work, and culture. He is the author of seven books, including, most recently, A World Without Email, Digital Minimalism, and Deep Work. These titles include multiple New York Times bestsellers and have been translated into over 40 languages. Newport is also a contributing writer for the New Yorker and the host of the Deep Questions podcast.
(#Ad) Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World
“Although clinical research has been conducted on narcissism as a disorder, less is known about its effects on victims who are in toxic relationships with partners with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Individuals with this disorder engage in chronic devaluation and manipulation of their partners, a psychological and emotional phenomenon known as “narcissistic abuse.” Unfortunately, the full extent of what narcissistic abuse entails is not taught in any psychology class or diagnostic manual.
Since pathological narcissists are unlikely to seek treatment for their disorder, it is difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes a narcissistic abuser tick and the manipulative tactics they use, which are likely to differ from those of other types of abusers as they are more covert and underhanded. What is even more baffling is the addiction we form with our narcissistic abusers, created by biochemical bonds and trauma bonds that are also unlike any other relationship we experience.
In this book, (#Ad) “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself“, survivors will learn:
•The red flags of narcissistic behavior and covert manipulation tactics, including subtle signs many survivors don’t catch in the early stages of dating a narcissist.
•The motives behind narcissistic abuse and techniques to resist a narcissist’s manipulation.
•Why abuse survivors usually stay with a narcissist long after incidents of abuse occur.
•How our own brain chemistry locks us into an addiction with a narcissistic or toxic partner, creating cravings for the constant chaos of the abuse cycle.
•Traditional and alternative methods to begin to detach and heal from the addiction to the narcissist, including eleven important steps all survivors must take on the road to healing.
•Methods to rewrite the narratives that abusers have written for us so we can begin to reconnect with our authentic selves and purpose.
•How to rebuild an even more victorious and empowering life after abuse.
Narcissistic partners employ numerous stealthy tactics to devalue and manipulate their victims behind closed doors. These partners lack empathy and demonstrate an incredible sense of entitlement and sense of superiority which drives their exploitative behavior in interpersonal relationships. Their tactics can include verbal abuse and emotional invalidation, stonewalling, projection, taking control of every aspect of the victim’s life, gaslighting and triangulation.
Due to the narcissistic partner’s “false self,” the charismatic mask he or she projects to society, the victim often feels isolated in this type of abuse and is unlikely to have his or her experiences validated by friends, family and society.
Using the latest scientific research as well as thousands of survivor accounts, this book will explore how the emotional manipulation tactics of narcissistic and antisocial partners affect those around them, particularly with regards to its cumulative socioemotional and psychological effects on the victim.
It will also address questions such as: What successful techniques, tools and healing modalities (both traditional and alternative) are available to survivors who have been ridiculed, manipulated, verbally abused and subject to psychological warfare? What can survivors do to better engage in self-love and self-care? How can they forge the path to healthier relationships, especially if they’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse by multiple people or raised by a narcissist? Most importantly, how can they use their experiences of narcissistic abuse to empower themselves towards personal development? What can their interactions with a narcissistic abuser teach them about themselves, their relationship patterns and the wounds that still need to be healed in order to move forward into the happy relationships and victorious lives they do deserve?” (#Ad – Amazon description)
37 best Quotes from “Becoming the Narcissist’s nightmare”
“The narcissist cultivated your need for his or her validation and approval early on in the idealization phase. By making you dependent on his or her praise, they conditioned you to seek the excessive admiration that only they could dole out. Now, as they devalue you, they use your need for validation to their advantage by withdrawing frequently, appearing sullen at every opportunity, and converting every generous thing you do for them as a failure on your part that falls short of their ludicrous expectations. Nothing can meet their high standards and everything wrong will be pointed out. In fact, even the things they do wrong shall be pinned on you.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Narcissistic abusers first idealize their partners, flattering them excessively, giving them all sorts of attention in the form of constant texts and gifts. They share secrets and stories with you to create a special bond; this technique also enables you to feel as if you can share your deepest insecurities and desires with them. Later, they will use your disclosure as ammunition and pick at your weak spots to regain a sense of psychological control.” ― Shahida Arabi
“What drags most survivors back in after this first incident is the makeup period. The narcissist will convince you that this incident and future incidents have a reasonable explanation behind them – it was really your fault that they called you a terrible name, or they just become abusive when they’re drinking, or sometimes they just have “bad days.” You, the willing, compassionate, empathic partner, will be prone to agree – perhaps you did do something to provoke it and nobody’s perfect.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.” ― Shahida Arabi
“There are many people who abuse alcohol or other drugs but do not abuse others when they do. Those who abuse alcohol and abuse others are often the ones who are using their addiction as an excuse to hurt others without having to be held accountable for the abuse they dish out while under the influence. The truth of the matter is, curing a narcissist of his or her addiction will not cure his or her lack of empathy.” ― Shahida Arabi
“A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.” ― Shahida Arabi
“The fact of the matter is, if you haven’t been in an abusive relationship, you don’t really know what the experience is like. Furthermore, it’s quite hard to predict what you would do in the same situation. I find that the people most vocal about what they would’ve done in the same situation often have no clue what they are talking about – they have never been in the same situation themselves. By invalidating the survivor’s experience, these people are defending an image of themselves that they identify with strength, not realizing that abuse survivors are often the strongest individuals out there. They’ve been belittled, criticized, demeaned, devalued, and yet they’ve still survived. The judgmental ones often have little to no life experience regarding these situations, yet they feel quite comfortable silencing the voices of people who’ve actually been there.” ― Shahida Arabi
“The very same techniques that narcissists use on us are the very same ones we must use to get over them.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Demonstration of unwarranted anger is an incredibly important tactic that abusers use to 1) preserve their self-image and their ego, 2) project blame onto others, 3) take back control by recreating a “version of events” that makes them look superior and saintly and 4) evoke fear and intimidate others into doing what they want.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Blameshifting and projecting their malignant traits onto their partners during conversations while using a false charismatic self to make their victims look like the “crazy” ones. It’s almost as if they hand off their own traits and shortcomings to their victims as if to say, “Here, take my pathology. I don’t want it.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Narcissists do not choose us because we are like them; they choose us because we are the light to their darkness; regardless of any of our vulnerabilities, we exhibit the gorgeous traits of empathy, compassion, emotional intelligence and authentic confidence that their fragile egotism and false mask could never achieve.” ― Shahida Arabi,
“So for those who think abuse survivors can simply logically process their situation and get out of and over the situation easily, think again. The parts of our brain that deal with planning, cognition, learning, and decision-making become disconnected with the emotional parts of our brain – they can cease to talk to each other when an individual becomes traumatized. It usually takes a great deal of effort, resources, strength, validation, addressing wounding on all levels of body and mind, for a survivor to become fully empowered to begin to heal from this form of trauma.” ― Shahida Arabi
“What occurred to me was that our strengths – the ones that narcissists often convince us are weaknesses – are the very things that can save us from narcissists, which is why narcissists work so very hard to diminish these strengths in the first place. I also realized something even more incredible: that the techniques narcissists use against us can also be merged with those strengths to help us transcend and thrive after narcissistic abuse.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Dissociation leaves us disconnected from our memories, our identities and our emotions. It breaks the trauma into digestible components, so that different aspects of the trauma get stored in different compartments in our brain. What happens as a result is that the information from the trauma becomes disorganized and we are not able to integrate these pieces into a coherent narrative and process trauma fully until, hopefully, with the help of a validating, trauma-informed counselor who guides us to the appropriate therapies best suited to our needs, we confront the trauma and triggers in a safe place.” ― Shahida Arabi
“They will suddenly develop abuse amnesia, where they’ll forget horrific incidents of abuse or deny saying or doing something that they actually did. This allows them to escape accountability, but it’s also a type of crazymaking that enables the abuser to rewrite reality for you and control your reality.” ― Shahida Arabi
“To any survivor who may be doubting whether what they’ve experienced is truly abuse, remember that emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse will never be, and should never be, considered part of the messy equation of a normal relationship. As both metal health professionals and survivors can attest to, the traumatic highs and lows of being with a narcissist, a sociopath, or a psychopath are not the natural highs and lows of regular relationships. That suggestion is quite damaging to society and to survivors all around the world.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Narcissists gaslight you so you begin to gaslight yourself into thinking what you are feeling, hearing, seeing and experiencing isn’t true. A narcissistic partner can manipulate you into thinking that perhaps that hurtful comment really was just a joke and that their infidelity was just a one-time thing. Many of these partners engage in pathological lying and rewrite reality on a daily basis to suit their needs and to conceal their manipulative agenda.” ― Shahida Arabi
“What’s important to remember is that while human beings in general can engage in toxic behaviors from time to time, abusers use these manipulation tactics as a dominant mode of communication. Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean, and hurt their intimate partners, family members, and friends.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Their manipulation is psychological and emotionally devastating – and very dangerous, especially considering the brain circuitry for emotional and physical pain are one and the same (Kross, 2011). What a victim feels when they are punched in the stomach can be similar to the pain a victim feels when they are verbally and emotionally abused, and the effects of narcissistic abuse can be crippling and long-lasting, even resulting in symptoms of PTSD or Complex PTSD.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Gaslighting their partners into believing the abuse isn’t real by denying, minimizing or rationalizing the abuse. This includes deflecting any conversations about accountability using circular conversations and word salad in order to avoid being held accountable for their actions.” ― Shahida Arabi
“People pleasing does make it easier to ignore the red flags of abusive relationships at the very early stages especially with covert manipulators. We can also become conditioned to continually “please” if we’re used to walking on eggshells around our abuser.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Healthy relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation, uncertainty and infidelity. Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view.” ― Shahida Arabi
“In the book Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie, the method of triangulation is discussed as a popular way the narcissist maintains control over your emotions. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current mistress, a relative, or a complete stranger.” ― Shahida Arabi
“See, narcissists don’t truly feel empathy for others – so during the discard phase, they often feel absolutely nothing for you except the excitement of having exhausted another source of supply. You were just another source of narcissistic supply, so do not fool yourself into thinking that the magical connection that existed in the beginning was in any way real. ” ― Shahida Arabi
“Covert narcissists blind you with their saccharine sweetness: they present the perfect public image, routinely go on their knees to pray, say their mantras on their yoga mats, preach ‘peace and compassion,’ all the while plotting on how to best stab you in the back. In some ways, covert narcissists are worse than overt ones. At least overt ones are open about how awful they really are.” ― Shahida Arabi
“The narcissist does not feel empathy for others; he or she makes connections with other people for one purpose and one purpose only: narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is the attention and admiration of the people the narcissist collects as trophies. It is anything that gives the narcissist a “hit” of praise, or even an emotional reaction to their ploys. They need these sources of supply because they suffer from perpetual boredom, emotional shallowness and the inability to authentically and emotionally connect to others who do have empathy.” ― Shahida Arabi
“The narcissist relies on jealousy as a powerful emotion that can cause you to compete for his or her affections, so provocative statements like “I wish you’d be more like her,” or “He wants me back into his life, I don’t know what to do” are designed to trigger the abuse victim into competing and feeling insecure about his or her position in the narcissist’s life.” ― Shahida Arabi
“I’ve heard from clients and readers who were on top of their game, attractive, highly educated individuals who felt as if they had lost themselves in an abusive relationship because they thought they had met the love of their lives, only to discover further down the line that their soulmate became their daily tormenter, breaking down their confidence and feeling of self-worth.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Triangulation is the way the narcissist maintains control and keeps you in check — you’re so busy competing for his or her attention that you’re less likely to be focusing on the red flags within the relationship or looking for ways to get out of the relationship.” ― Shahida Arabi
“If I have learned anything in my lifetime about relationships, it is that until you truly love, respect and honor your right to have opinions and emotions, you cannot attract someone into your life that can love and respect your opinions and emotions.” ― Shahida Arabi
“It is important to recognize that the narcissist constructs a false, dark alternate reality in which he hands over his pathology to you. You will be labeled the crazy, oversensitive person throughout the relationship even while enduring mind-blowing verbal and emotional attacks from your abuser. The abuser enjoys employing gaslighting and projection techniques to essentially rewrite the history of abuse in the relationship and misplace all blame onto you. Since you are prone to cognitive dissonance, you will often start to blame yourself for the abuse and seek to deny or minimize the severity of the trauma you’re experiencing in an effort to survive and cope with the fact that the person you love and care for is a pathological abuser.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Survivors spend a lifetime waiting – waiting for their abusers to change, waiting for their kindness to turn into cruelty, waiting for the next blow or hit in an attempt to avoid it or escape it, waiting for the right time to end the relationship. It is only when they stop waiting and start walking away that they begin to process what they’ve escaped and begin a journey back to wholeness. It is challenging to walk away, even more difficult to heal, but more than possible with the right resources and support.” ― Shahida Arabi
“When their victims calmly explain to them that their behavior is unacceptable and why, they claim their victims have temper issues, are overreacting to a pattern of abuse and are acting childish – all because their victims attempt to hold them accountable and/or provide a different perspective.” ― Shahida Arabi
This is gaslighting and projection at its finest. Meanwhile, they engage in narcissistic rage and tend to be immature, close-minded and unable to see anyone else’s perspective. Insults, put-downs, name-calling and derogatory language soon follow to regain a sense of control. The narcissistic bully does not disagree respectfully; rather, he or she must make the victim feel as small as possible if the victim dares to challenge the status quo and the false self.” ― Shahida Arabi
“I refocused on the people who validated me and wanted me to rise rather than fall. I also made sure to validate myself and realized that while being among the few to recognize a narcissist was an alienating experience, it was also a liberating one. There were many times I saw behind the masks of toxic people, sociopaths or narcissists while others continued to believe in the false self they projected. Instead of attempting to convince others of what I observed, I quietly turned the focus back onto myself and my own self-care. I stopped listening to the dark voices of others and began to reconnect with that divine light inside of me and other survivors. I knew the truth about toxic people and for the first time, my faith in myself was enough to break the spell. It was by no means easy; sometimes it took longer for me to detach from toxic people than I felt it should have. There were times when I felt I could’ve done better. Yet I treated myself compassionately and forgave myself for any failures, knowing that any type of “relapse” was simply an inevitable detour on the road to recovery. So I pushed forward and kept moving. I knew that each encounter with another narcissistic abuser, whether friend, foe or relationship partner, was simply a test – a test of how far my core wounds were still tethering me to toxic people.” ― Shahida Arabi
“Yes, we can be compassionate towards the fact that our abuser may have been traumatized, but we cannot let that compassion blind us to the fact that if they are unwilling to change or receive treatment, as many narcissists aren’t, we need to make our own self-compassion and self-care a priority in order to detach from them.” ― Shahida Arabi
“– what was once a “playful” sarcastic comment now becomes frequent emotional terrorism that questions your right to have an opinion that challenges theirs.” ― Shahida Arabi
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity (#Ad) is the belief that we should always maintain a positive outlook, even when we are struggling. Life can be hard, and bad things happen. People experience loss, pain, and challenges in their lives, and those problems should be acknowledged and not brightsided.
When bad things happen, it is important to acknowledge those for what they are. When people are struggling, It is not beneficial to pretend that their problems aren’t real or to minimize how harmful they are.
The same is true with ourselves: we shouldn’t minimize our struggles or ignore them, trying to hide the pain behind a fake smile.
Top 12 Best Quotes from Whitney Goodman
“Toxic positivity is a cultural force that reinforces: “If you believe it you can achieve it!” “The only thing in your way is you!” “The key to success is a positive mindset!” “If you want to be healthy you must be positive!” “God will never give you more than you can handle!” … Toxic Positivity leaves us feeling alone, and disconnected. It stops us from communicating. It stifles creativity and change. It silences people. It labels things as “happiness inducing” and “happiness preventing.”” — Whitney Goodman
“In my work, I’ve noticed that people with invisible illnesses or disabilities are scared of acting too positive because then people won’t believe that they’re sick. They’re afraid of being too negative because then they aren’t being strong or fighting hard enough. They can’t win.” ― Whitney Goodman
“Many researchers have argued that the use of toxic positivity in healthcare is unethical and even dangerous. It leads to unfounded assertions of confidence, implies a lack of empathy for the patient, and can cause people to make uninformed decisions about their health.” ― Whitney Goodman
“Live a life that challenges you, fulfills you, has meaning, and brings you moments of joy. Open yourself to all emotions and experiences. Discover what you value and follow it until the end, knowing that sometimes life is going to hurt and that’s what makes it worth living.” ― Whitney Goodman
“Healthy positivity means making space for both reality and hope. Toxic positivity denies an emotion and forces us to suppress it. When we use toxic positivity, we are telling ourselves and others that this emotion shouldn’t exist, it’s wrong, and if we try just a little bit harder, we can eliminate it entirely.” ― Whitney Goodman
“Not everything you do has to be about improving your health, your knowledge, your job, or your body. It’s OK to just be. There’s no finish line or trophy for being the most improved.” ― Whitney Goodman
“Shame Disguised as Positivity. So you lost your job, and your friend just told you that you shouldn’t be upset. The moment the words “At least . . .” left their mouth, the conversation was over. There was no more space for your emotions or your processing. You were being pulled into the land of positivity whether you were ready or not. So you shut down and tried to figure out how the heck you could become more grateful and positive without inconveniencing anyone with your stress, worry, or shame.” ― Whitney Goodman
“People often need to accept the reality of a situation before moving forward. Not all situations have a silver lining or a positive spin. Some things are just really, really hard, and that’s OK.” ― Whitney Goodman
“Directing someone to other resources or saying that you can’t help doesn’t mean that you don’t care or that you’re abandoning them. It means that you are trying your best to provide them with the right resources, while also giving yourself the ability to set limits and care for yourself.” ― Whitney Goodman
“Contrary to popular belief, there are no negative emotions. There are only emotions that are harder to experience or that cause more distress for certain people, and the more you suppress those emotions, the harder they are to manage.” ― Whitney Goodman
“You can’t think your way out of feeling. Understanding why someone did something hurtful won’t always make it hurt less. Developing an understanding of why something is happening and making those connections is important. Without awareness there is no change.” — Whitney Goodman
“Sometimes positivity is just denial.” — Whitney Goodman
(#Ad) Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy
12 quotes From Other authors about toxic positivity
“Toxic positivity is forced, false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface, but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they’re really saying is, My comfort is more important than your reality.” — Susan David
“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” — Susan David
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” — Brené Brown
“We think that denying our emotions makes us stronger and more resilient, but the research shows that it actually makes us LESS resilient.” — Brené Brown
“Hope confronts. It does not ignore pain, agony, or injustice. It is not a saccharine optimism that refuses to see, face, or grapple with the wretchedness of reality. You can’t have hope without despair, because hope is a response. Hope is the active conviction that despair will never have the last word.” — Cory Booker
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” — Henri Nouwen
“Hope is a funny thing because in a way it’s everywhere. Like, people will say ‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘It will all work out in the end’ — which are very hopeful sentiments — it’s just that they’re also, you know, bullshit. And for me anyway, they just don’t hold up in the face of real suffering. But I’ll tell you what does hold up for me. There’s an Emily Dickinson poem that starts out, ‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers – That perches in the soul – And sings the tune without the words – And never stops – at all.’
And you’ll notice that Emily Dickinson doesn’t say that one never stops hearing the song of hope — only that it doesn’t stop playing. I’m really sorry that you’re in so much pain, and your pain is real, but the song of hope is still singing. And I know you can’t hear it, but someday soon you will.” — John Green
“I am highly suspicious of attempts to brightside human suffering, especially suffering that — as in the case of almost all infectious diseases — is unjustly distributed. I’m not here to criticize other people’s hope, but personally, whenever I hear someone waxing poetic about the silver linings to all these clouds, I think about a wonderful poem by Clint Smith called “When people say, ‘we have made it through worse before.’” The poem begins, “all I hear is the wind slapping against the gravestones / of those who did not make it.” As in Ibn Battuta’s Damascus, the only path forward is true solidarity — not only in hope, but also in lamentation.” — John Green
“Optimism doesn’t mean that you are blind to the reality of the situation. It means that you remain motivated to seek a solution to whatever problems arise.” — The Dalai Lama
“There’s no difference between a pessimist who says, ‘It’s all over, don’t bother trying to do anything, forget about voting, it won’t make a difference,’ and an optimist who says, ‘Relax, everything is going to turn out fine.’ Either way the results are the same. Nothing gets done.” — Yvon Chouinard
“I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.” — Walt Disney
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” — William Arthur Ward
About the Book
(#Ad) Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy is a powerful guide to owning our emotions—even the difficult ones—in order to show up authentically in the world
Every day, we’re bombarded with pressure to be positive. From “good vibes only” and “life is good” memes, to endless advice, to “look on the bright side,” we’re constantly told that the key to happiness is silencing negativity wherever it crops up, in ourselves and in others. Even when faced with illness, loss, breakups, and other challenges, there’s little space for talking about our real feelings—and processing them so that we can feel better and move forward.
But if all this positivity is the answer, why are so many of us anxious, depressed, and burned out?
In this refreshingly honest guide, sought-after therapist Whitney Goodman shares the latest research along with everyday examples and client stories that reveal how damaging toxic positivity is to ourselves and our relationships, and presents simple ways to experience and work through difficult emotions. The result is more authenticity, connection, and growth—and ultimately, a path to showing up as you truly are (Amazon).
Are you a genius or a genius maker?
There are two very different types of leaders. The first type drain intelligence, energy, and capability from the ones around them and always need to be the smartest ones in the room. These are the idea killers, the energy sappers, the diminishers of talent and commitment. On the other side of the spectrum are leaders who use their intelligence to amplify the smarts and capabilities of the people around them. These are the leaders who inspire employees to stretch themselves to deliver results that surpass expectations. These are the Multipliers.
In (#Ad) Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter, leadership expert Liz Wiseman and management consultant Greg McKeown explore these two leadership styles, showing how Multipliers have a resoundingly positive and profitable effect on organizations ”getting more done with fewer resources, developing and attracting talent, and cultivating new ideas and energy to drive organizational change and innovation.” (From Goodreads)
Top 50 Best Quotes from Multipliers by Liz Wiseman
“The Diminisher is a Micromanager who jumps in and out. The Multiplier is an Investor who gives others ownership and full accountability.” — Liz Wiseman
“MULTIPLIERS: These leaders are genius makers who bring out the intelligence in others. They build collective, viral intelligence in organizations.” – Liz Wiseman
“DIMINISHERS: These leaders are absorbed in their own intelligence, stifle others, and deplete the organization of crucial intelligence and capability.” – Liz Wiseman
“Yes, certain leaders amplify intelligence. These leaders, whom we have come to call Multipliers, create collective, viral intelligence in organizations. Other leaders act as Diminishers and deplete the organization of crucial intelligence and capability.” – Liz Wiseman
“The Diminisher is an Empire Builder. The Multiplier is a Talent Magnet.” – Liz Wiseman
“Diminishers are Decision Makers who try to sell their decisions to others. Multipliers are Debate Makers who generate real buy-in.” – Liz Wiseman
“Multipliers invoke each person’s unique intelligence and create an atmosphere of genius—innovation, productive effort, and collective intelligence.” – Liz Wiseman
“Sometimes a 90 percent solution executed with 100 percent ownership is better than getting it 100 percent right with a disengaged team.” – Liz Wiseman
“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea. ANTOINE DE ST. EXUPERY” – Liz Wiseman
“Perhaps these leaders understood that the person sitting at the apex of the intelligence hierarchy is the genius maker, not the genius.” – Liz Wiseman
“It isn’t how much you know that matters. What matters is how much access you have to what other people know. It isn’t just how intelligent your team members are; it is how much of that intelligence you can draw out and put to use.” – Liz Wiseman
“Multipliers aren’t “feel-good” managers. They look into people and find capability, and they want to access all of it. They utilize people to their fullest. They see a lot, so they expect a lot.” – Liz Wiseman
“When leaders teach, they invest in their people’s ability to solve and avoid problems in the future.” – Liz Wiseman
“Mistakes are an essential part of progress.” – Liz Wiseman
“Some leaders seemed to drain the intelligence and capability out of the people around them…[f]or them to look smart, other people had to end up looking dumb. We’ve all worked with these black holes. They create a vortex that sucks energy out of everyone and everything around them.” – Liz Wiseman
“How do you want to be remembered as a leader? Someone with a big personality? or someone around whom other people grew?” – Liz Wiseman
“THE FOUR PRACTICES OF THE TALENT MAGNET Among the Multipliers we studied in our research, we found four active practices that together catalyze and sustain this cycle of attraction. These Talent Magnets: 1) look for talent everywhere; 2) find people’s native genius; 3) utilize people at their fullest; and 4) remove the blockers.” – Liz Wiseman
“Victor Hugo once said, “There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come.” – Liz Wiseman
“There is more intelligence inside our organizations than we are using.” – Liz Wiseman
“Those who work in a fun environment have greater productivity, interpersonal effectiveness, and call in sick less often.” – Liz Wiseman
“It is better to debate a decision without settling it than settling a decision without debating it. JOSEPH JOUBERT” – Liz Wiseman
“To lead on purpose, we must understand how we diminish by accident.” – Liz Wiseman
“the leader’s job is to put other people on stage.” – Liz Wiseman
“Micromanagers hand over work to others, but they take it back the moment problems arise.” – Liz Wiseman
“Finding people’s native genius and then labeling it is a direct approach to drawing more intelligence from them.” – Liz Wiseman
“When leaders define clear ownership and invest in others, they have sown the seeds of success and earned the right to hold people accountable.” – Liz Wiseman
“Ignore me as needed to get your job done.” – Liz Wiseman
“Don’t just identify the problem; find a solution.” – Liz Wiseman
“…when you become the leader, the center of gravity is no longer yourself.” – Liz Wiseman
“Leaders rooted in the logic of multiplication believe: 1. Most people in organizations are underutilized. 2. All capability can be leveraged with the right kind of leadership. 3. Therefore, intelligence and capability can be multiplied without requiring a bigger investment.” – Liz Wiseman
“Carol Dweck of Stanford University has conducted groundbreaking research showing that children given a series of progressively harder puzzles and praised for their intelligence stagnate for fear of reaching the limit of their intelligence. Children given the same series of puzzles but then praised for their hard work actually increased their ability to reason and to solve problems. When these children were recognized for their efforts to think, they created a belief, and then a reality, that intelligence grows.” – Liz Wiseman
“Jae reflected on the leader’s role: “You can jump in and teach and coach, but then you have to give the pen back. When you give that pen back, your people know they are still in charge.” When something is off the rails, do you take over or do you invest? When you take the pen to add your ideas, do you give it back? Or does it stay in your pocket? Multipliers invest in the success of others. They may jump in to teach and share their ideas, but they always return to accountability. When leaders fail to return ownership, they create dependent organizations. This is the way of the Diminisher. They jump in, save the day, and drive results through their personal involvement. When leaders return the pen, they cement the accountability for action where it should be. This creates organizations that are free from the nagging need of the leader’s rescue.” – Liz Wiseman
“But if people aren’t aware of their genius, they are not in a position to deliberately utilize it. By telling people what you see, you can raise their awareness and confidence, allowing them to provide their capability more fully.” – Liz Wiseman
“changing a culture meant changing the conversation. And, to change the conversation, people would need new words, especially words about behaviors that would lead to winning results.” – Liz Wiseman
“Talent Magnets remove the barriers that block the growth of intelligence in their people.” – Liz Wiseman
“There are risks in every action. Every success has the seed of some failure.” – Liz Wiseman
“Divide and conquer is the modus operandi of Empire Builders.” – Liz Wiseman
“Empire Builders stifle their talent by hogging the limelight for themselves.” – Liz Wiseman
“Your biggest opportunity to inspire Multiplier leadership might be in learning to recognize your own Diminisher traits and convert these conditions into Multiplier moments.” – Liz Wiseman
Diminisher
The Empire Builder: Hoards resources and underutilizes talent; The Tyrant: Creates a tense environment that suppresses people’s thinking and capability; The Know-It-All: Gives directives that showcase how much they know; The Decision Maker: Makes centralized, abrupt decisions that confuse the organization; The Micro Manager: Drives results through their personal involvement – Liz Wiseman
Multiplier
The Talent Magnet: Attracts talented people and uses them at their highest point of contribution; The Liberator: Creates an intense environment that requires people’s best thinking and work; The Challenger: Defines an opportunity that causes people to stretch; The Debate Maker: Drives sound decisions through rigorous debate” – Liz Wiseman
“The promise of a Multiplier is that they get twice the capacity, plus a growth dividend from their people as their genius expands under the leadership of the Multiplier.” – Liz Wiseman
“Exhausting but exhilarating” captures what people continually told us it was like to work for a Multiplier. One woman said, “It was exhausting but I was always ready to do it again. It is not a burnout experience—it is a build-up experience.” As you become more of a Multiplier, people will flock to you because you will be “the boss to work for.” You will become a Talent Magnet, drawing in and developing talent while providing extraordinary returns to the company as well as to the individuals who work for you.” – Liz Wiseman
“Multipliers lead people by operating as Talent Magnets, whereby they attract and deploy talent to its fullest regardless of who owns the resource. ” – Liz Wiseman
“Multipliers use humor to create comfort and to spark the natural energy and intelligence of others.” – Liz Wiseman
“As leaders, sometimes we are most helpful when we don’t help.” – Liz Wiseman
“Better leverage and utilization of resources at the organizational level require adopting a new corporate logic. This new logic is one of multiplication.” – Liz Wiseman
“Resource leverage is a far richer concept than just “accomplish more with less.” Multipliers don’t necessarily get more with less. They get more by using more—more of people’s intelligence and capability.” – Liz Wiseman
“However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light. STANLEY KUBRICK” – Liz Wiseman
“I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. WOODROW WILSON” – Liz Wiseman
Liz Wiseman
Liz Wiseman is a researcher and executive advisor who teaches leadership to executives around the world. She is the author of New York Times bestseller (#Ad) Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter, (#Ad) The Multiplier Effect: Tapping the Genius Inside Our Schools, and Wall Street Journal bestseller (#Ad) Rookie Smarts: Why Learning Beats Knowing in the New Game of Work.
She is the CEO of the Wiseman Group, a leadership research and development firm headquartered in Silicon Valley, California.
GREG MCKEOWN
Greg McKeown is the author of t (#AD) Effortless: Make It Easy to Get the Right Things Done, and (#Ad) Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, which hit The New York Times bestseller list and has sold more than a million copies. He is also a speaker and the host of the popular podcast What’s Essential.
Greg has been covered by The New York Times, The New Yorker, Fast Company, Fortune, Politico, and Inc., has been interviewed by NPR, NBC, Fox, and The Steve Harvey Show, and is among the most popular bloggers for LinkedIn. He is also a Young Global Leader for the World Economic Forum. Originally from London, England, he now resides in California with his wife, Anna, and their four children. He is a Bishop in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
(#Ad) The Dictator’s Handbook: Why Bad Behavior is Almost Always Good Politics by De Mesquita and Smith is a very interesting and intriguing book that discusses the forces that shape how politicians rise to power, maintain it, and eventually lose it. The following paragraphs are a brief introduction to some of the main ideas and terms used in the book.
The Rules of Political Power
In (#Ad) The Dictator’s Handbook: Why Bad Behavior is Almost Always Good Politics, the authors list the following rules of political power:
- Politics is about getting and keeping political power (not about the welfare of the people)
- Political power is best ensured and maintained when you depend on few essential cronies to attain and retain office (dictators are often in a better position to retain power than democrats)
- Depending on a small coalition of cronies allows leaders to tax at higher rates
- Dictators have the most power when the essential cronies are easily replaceable
According to the authors, in politics, ideologies, nationalities and cultures don’t matter as much as we think.
The 3 True Power Dimensions of Politics
Nobody can rule alone and what determines the balance of power and the politics is how many supporters the leader needs and how big is the available supply of supporters.
These are the categories that determine the extent of the leader’s power and his actions:
Nominal selectors (interchangeables)
Everyone who has at least a legal saying in choosing the leader. In democracies, it includes everyone who has a vote. But also in some non democracies voters are at least “nominal” selectors (ie.: The Soviet Union).
In practice, no individual voter has a big say in who runs the country and the power of a single nominal selector in a true democracy is not much bigger than in countries with rigged elections.
- Real selectors (influentials)
This is the group that actually chooses the leader or the leader who will run for the elections. For example, in communist countries the influentials are the voting members of the communist party.
In the US the influentials are the electors of the electoral college. But since they are bound to vote like the states votes, the nominal selectors and the real selectors are pretty closely aligned.
- Winning coalition (essentials)
The essentials are a subset of the real selectors, and these are the people whose support is essential for the leader to remain in power. They are the people who have the power to overthrow their leader. It includes those responsible for actual policies, like a few key members of the court for kings. very senior civil servants, the highest army generals and so on.
In democracies such as the US or the UK the winning coalition is much larger than in dictatorships, and it consists of the minimum number of voters who can determine the final exit of elections.
Based on the dimensions of political power, this is the definition of dictatorship:
Dictatorship is a government based on a particularly small group of essentials, drawn from a very large group of interchangeables, and usually a small batch of influentials.
And this is the definition of democracy:
Democracy is a government based on a very large number of essentials and a very large number of interchangeables, with the influential group being almost as big as the interchangeables.
Dictator’s Rules
- Keep the winning coalition as small as possible: you will need fewer people to stay in power, have higher control over them, and you will save on graft
- Keep the nominal selectors as large as possible: so that you can easily replace troublemakers among the influentials and essentials, and sends the essentials a message that they better behave
- Control the flow of revenues
- Pay your essentials just enough to keep them loyal: and keep them away from the source of money
- Don’t take money out of the essentials’ pockets to make the people better: dictators depend on essentials, not on average citizens (some content taken from powermovers.com)
Top 30 Best Quotes from “The Dictator’s Handbook”
(Ad) The Dictator’s Handbook: Why Bad Behavior is Almost Always Good Politics
“Coming to power is never about doing the right thing. It’s always about doing what’s expedient.”
“Mugabe succeeds because he understands it does not matter what happens to the people as long as he pays the army.”
“In the end, ruling is the objective, not ruling well.”
“Leaders never hesitate to miscount or destroy ballots. Coming to office and staying in office are the most important things in politics. And candidates who aren’t willing to cheat are typically beaten by those who are.”
“Paying supporters, not good governance or representing the general will, is the essence of ruling. Buying loyalty is particularly difficult”
“The is no better thing than a rigged election. As long as you are the one rigging it.”
“Leaders on the other hand are rather fond of taxes. As long as they don’t have to pay them.”
“Being a dictator is a terrific job, but it can also be terribly stressful. Especially if money is in short supply. Taxes are a great antidote to stress.”
“In autocracies it is unwise to be rich unless the government made you rich.”
“Even in autocracies with reported good health care system, infant mortality is high. Not because dictators don’t like babies just like the next guy, but they recognize that helping babies doesn’t help them.”
“Place like Singapore and parts of China prove that it is possible to have a good material life with limited freedom — yet the vast majority of the evidence suggests that these are exceptions and not the rule. Economic success can postpone the democratic moment but it ultimately cannot replace it.”
“Democracies are not lucky. They do not attract civic-minded leaders by chance. Rather, they attract survival-oriented leaders who understand that, given their dependence on many essentials, they can only come to and stay in power if they figure out the right basket of public goods to provide.”
“Caesar made the mistake of trying to help the people by using a portion of the coalition’s money. It is fine for leaders to enrich the people, but it has to come from the leader’s pocket, not from his coalition of supporters. Too much greed and too many good deeds are equally punishable.“
“Every type of politics could be addressed from the point of view of leaders trying to survive.”
“Democrats fight where they have policy concerns… war for democrats is just another way of achieving the goals for which foreign aid would otherwise be used. Foreign aid buys policy concessions, war imposes them… democrats would much prefer to impose a compliant dictator,… then take their chances on the policies adopted by a democrat who must answer to her own domestic constituents”
“The world of politics is dictated by rules.”
“It’s always better for a ruler to determine who eats than it is to have a larger pie from which the people can feed themselves.”
“Despite the idealistic expressions of some, all too many of us prefer cheap oil to real change in West Africa or the Middle East.”
“Men always have two reasons for doing things. The good reason, and the real reason.”
“Lee Kuan Yew ruled Singapore from 1959 until 1990, making him, we believe, the longest serving prime minister anywhere. His party, the People’s Action Party (PAP), dominated elections and that dominance was reinforced by the allocation of public housing, upon which most people in Singapore rely. Neighborhoods that fail to deliver PAP votes come election time found the provision and maintenance of housing cut off.18 In Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe went one step further. In an operation called Murambatsvina (Operation Drive Out the Rubbish), he used bulldozers to demolish the houses and markets in neighborhoods that failed to support him in the 2005 election.”
“Autocrats can avoid the technical difficulties of gathering and redistributing wealth by authorizing their supporters to reward themselves directly. For many leaders, corruption is not something bad that needs to be eliminated. Rather it is an essential political tool. Leaders implicitly or sometimes even explicitly condone corruption. Effectively they license the right to extract bribes from the citizens. This avoids the administrative headache of organizing taxation and transferring the funds to supporters. Saddam Hussein’s sons were notorious for smuggling during the 1990s when Iraq was subject to sanctions. They made a fortune from the sanctions that were supposed to harm the regime.”
“The three most important characteristics of a coalition are: (1) Loyalty; (2) Loyalty; (3) Loyalty.”
“Pretty much all of us are greedy, some for money, some for adulation, some for power, but all greedy nevertheless. Some few among us have the opportunity to act on our greed, while most of us are confined to pursuing our greed in minor ways”
“Though private rewards can be provided directly out of the government’s treasury, the easiest way to compensate the police for their loyalty—including their willingness to oppress their fellow citizens—is to give them free rein to be corrupt. Pay them so little that they can’t help but realize it is not only acceptable but necessary for them to be corrupt. Then they will be doubly beholden to the regime: first, they will be grateful for the wealth the regime lets them accumulate; second, they will understand that if they waver in loyalty, they are at risk of losing their privileges and being prosecuted.”
“Taxation, especially in small-coalition settings, redistributes from those outside the coalition (the poor) to those inside the coalition (the rich). Small coalition systems amply demonstrate this principle, for these are places where people are rich precisely because they are in the winning coalition, and others are poor because they are not.”
“For autocrats, money spent on people—like infants and little children—who are years away from contributing to the economy is money wasted. Resources should instead be focused on those who help the ruler stay in power now, not those who might be valuable in the distant future.”
“Borrowing is a wonderful thing for leaders. They get to spend the money to make their supporters happy today, and, if they are sensible, set some aside for themselves. Unless they are fortunate enough to survive in office for a really long time, repaying today’s loan will be another leader’s problem. Autocratic leaders borrow as much as they can, and democratic leaders are enthusiastic borrowers as well.”
“After all, our experience tends to confirm that on one end of the political spectrum we have autocrats and tyrants—horrible, selfish thugs who occasionally stray into psychopathology. On the other end, we have democrats—elected representatives, presidents, and prime ministers who are the benevolent guardians of freedom. Leaders from these two worlds, we assure ourselves, must be worlds apart! It’s a convenient fiction, but a fiction nonetheless.”
“It is better to have loyal incompetents than competent rivals. Sometimes of course, having competent advisors is unavoidable.”
“Rule 1: Keep your winning coalition as small as possible. A small coalition allows a leader to rely on very few people to stay in power. Fewer essentials equals more control and contributes to more discretion over expenditures. Bravo for Kim Jong Il of North Korea. He is a contemporary master at ensuring dependence on a small coalition. Rule 2: Keep your nominal selectorate as large as possible. Maintain a large selectorate of interchangeables and you can easily replace any troublemakers in your coalition, influentials and essentials alike. After all, a large selectorate permits a big supply of substitute supporters to put the essentials on notice that they should be loyal and well behaved or else face being replaced. Bravo to Vladimir Ilyich Lenin for introducing universal adult suffrage in Russia’s old rigged election system. Lenin mastered the art of creating a vast supply of interchangeables. Rule 3: Control the flow of revenue. It’s always better for a ruler to determine who eats than it is to have a larger pie from which the people can feed themselves. The most effective cash flow for leaders is one that makes lots of people poor and redistributes money to keep select people—their supporters—wealthy. Bravo to Pakistan’s president Asif Ali Zardari, estimated to be worth up to $4 billion even as he governs a country near the world’s bottom in per capita income.”
“When addressing politics, we must accustom ourselves to think and speak about the actions and interests of specific, named leaders rather than thinking and talking about fuzzy ideas like the national interest, the common good, and the general welfare. Once we think about what helps leaders come to and stay in power, we will also begin to see how to fix politics. Politics, like all of life, is about individuals, each motivated to do what is good for them, not what is good for others.”
(#Ad) The Dictator’s Handbook: Why Bad Behavior is Almost Always Good Politics
About the Authors
Bruce Bueno de Mesquita is a professor of Politics at the New York University. He is also a prolific author with 16 books on his name.
Alastair Smith is also a professor of politics at the New York University, author of three books and winner of the 2005 Karl Deutsch Award.
He is also the author of (#Ad) “The Logic of Political Survival“.
Essentialism: the disciplined pursuit of less
(#Ad) Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less
Have you ever found yourself stretched too thin? Do you simultaneously feel overworked and underutilized? Are you often busy but not productive? Do you feel like your time is constantly being hijacked by other people’s agendas?
If you answered yes to any of these, the way out is the Way of the Essentialist.
The Way of the Essentialist isn’t about getting more done in less time. It’s about getting only the right things done. It is not a time management strategy, or a productivity technique. It is a systematic discipline for discerning what is absolutely essential, then eliminating everything that is not, so we can make the highest possible contribution towards the things that really matter.
By forcing us to apply a more selective criteria for what is Essential, the disciplined pursuit of less empowers us to reclaim control of our own choices about where to spend our precious time and energy — instead of giving others the implicit permission to choose for us.
Essentialism is not one more thing — it’s a whole new way of doing everything. A must-read for any leader, manager, or individual who wants to learn who to do less, but better, in every area of their lives, Essentialism is a movement whose time has come.” (from Goodreads)
Top 60 Best Quotes from “Essentialism
“The way of the Essentialist is the relentless pursuit of less but better.” -― Greg Mckeown
“Psychologists call this “decision fatigue”: the more choices we are forced to make, the more the quality of our decisions deteriorates.” -― Greg Mckeown
“Studies have found that we tend to value things we already own more highly than they are worth and thus we find them more difficult to get rid of.” -― Greg Mckeown
“Working hard is important. But more effort does not necessarily yield more results. “Less but better” does.” – ― Greg Mckeown
“One wrong hire is far costlier than being one person short.” – ― Greg Mckeown
“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” Mahatma Gandhi – ― Greg Mckeown
“If we have no clear sense of the opportunity cost — in other words, the value of what we’re giving up — then it is especially easy to fall into the nonessential trap of telling ourselves we can get it all done.” ― Greg Mckeown
“To attain knowledge add things every day. To attain wisdom subtract things every day.” Lao Tzu – ― Greg Mckeown
“Pausing for just five seconds before offering your services can greatly reduce the possibility of making a commitment you’ll regret.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Motivation and cooperation deteriorate when there is a lack of purpose” ― Greg Mckeown
“The way of the Essentialist rejects the idea that we can fit it all in. Instead, it requires us to grapple with real trade-offs and make tough decisions.” ― Greg Mckeown
“We live in a world where almost everything is worthless and a very few things are exceptionally valuable.” ― Greg Mckeown
“To discern what is truly essential we need space to think, time to look and listen, permission to play, wisdom to sleep, and the discipline to apply highly selective criteria to the choices we make.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Rather than try to fly to every destination, Southwest Airlines deliberately chose to offer only point-to-point flights. Instead of jacking up prices to cover the cost of meals, they decided they would serve none. Instead of assigning seats in advance, they let people choose them as they got on the plane. Instead of upselling their passengers on glitzy first-class service, they offered only economy.” ― Greg Mckeown
“When there is a serious lack of clarity about what the team stands for and what their goals and roles are, people experience confusion, stress, and frustration.”― Greg Mckeown
“The best asset we have for making a contribution to the world is ourselves.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Instead of focusing on the efforts and resources we need to add, the Essentialist focuses on the constraints or obstacles we need to remove.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Essentialists accept the reality that we can never fully anticipate or prepare for every scenario or eventuality; the future is simply too unpredictable. Instead, they build in buffers to reduce the friction caused by the unexpected.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Instead of trying to accomplish it all — and all at once — and flaring out, the Essentialist starts small and celebrates progress. Instead of going for the big, flashy wins that don’t really matter, the Essentialist pursues small and simple wins in areas that are essential.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Multi-tasking itself is not the enemy of Essentialism; pretending we can ‘multi-focus’ is.” ― Greg Mckeown
“In many ways, to live as an Essentialist in our too-many-things-all-the-time society is an act of quiet revolution.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Remember that if you don’t prioritize your life someone else will.” ― Greg Mckeown
“Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it’s about how to get the right things done. It doesn’t mean just doing less for the sake of less either. It is about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential.” ― Greg Mckeown
“You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.” ― Greg McKeown
“What if we stopped celebrating being busy as a measurement of importance? What if instead we celebrated how much time we had spent listening, pondering, meditating, and enjoying time with the most important people in our lives?” ― Greg McKeown
“Essentialists see trade-offs as an inherent part of life, not as an inherently negative part of life. Instead of asking, “What do I have to give up?” they ask, “What do I want to go big on?” ― Greg McKeown
“There should be no shame in admitting to a mistake; after all, we really are only admitting that we are now wiser than we once were.” ― Greg McKeown
“If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.” ― Greg McKeown
“Today, technology has lowered the barrier for others to share their opinion about what we should be focusing on. It is not just information overload; it is opinion overload.” ― Greg McKeown
“Sometimes what you don’t do is just as important as what you do.” ― Greg McKeown
“We overvalue nonessentials like a nicer car or house, or even intangibles like the number of our followers on Twitter or the way we look in our Facebook photos. As a result, we neglect activities that are truly essential, like spending time with our loved ones, or nurturing our spirit, or taking care of our health.” ― Greg McKeown
“The way of the Essentialist means living by design, not by default. Instead of making choices reactively, the Essentialist deliberately distinguishes the vital few from the trivial many, eliminates the nonessentials, and then removes obstacles so the essential things have clear, smooth passage. In other words, Essentialism is a disciplined, systematic approach for determining where our highest point of contribution lies, then making execution of those things almost effortless.” ― Greg McKeown
“Just because I was invited didn’t seem a good enough reason to attend.” ― Greg McKeown
“What do I feel deeply inspired by?” and “What am I particularly talented at?” and “What meets a significant need in the world?” ― Greg McKeown
“the killer question: “If I didn’t already own this, how much would I spend to buy it?” ― Greg McKeown
(#Ad) Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less
“We can either make our choices deliberately or allow other people’s agendas to control our lives.” ― Greg McKeown
“Sleep will enhance your ability to explore, make connections, and do less but better throughout your waking hours.” ― Greg McKeown
“A popular idea in Silicon Valley is “Done is better than perfect.” ― Greg McKeown
“NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE. —Anne Lamott” ― Greg Mckeown
“Essentialism: only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter.” ― Greg McKeown
“The reality is, saying yes to any opportunity by definition requires saying no to several others.” ― Greg McKeown
“We often think of choice as a thing. But a choice is not a thing. Our options may be things, but a choice—a choice is an action. It is not just something we have but something we do.” ― Greg Mckeown
“the pursuit of success can be a catalyst for failure. Put another way, success can distract us from focusing on the essential things that produce success in the first place.” ― Greg McKeown
“The word priority came into the English language in the 1400s. It was singular. It meant the very first or prior thing. It stayed singular for the next five hundred years. Only in the 1900s did we pluralize the term and start talking about priorities.” ― Greg McKeown
“What if society stopped telling us to buy more stuff and instead allowed us to create more space to breathe and think? What if society encouraged us to reject what has been accurately described as doing things we detest, to buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t like?” ― Greg McKeown
“EVERY DAY DO SOMETHING THAT WILL INCH YOU CLOSER TO A BETTER TOMORROW. —Doug Firebaugh” ― Greg McKeown
“It is about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential.” ― Greg McKeown
“When we forget our ability to choose, we learn to be helpless. Drip by drip we allow our power to be taken away until we end up becoming a function of other people’s choices—or even a function of our own past choices. In turn, we surrender our power to choose. That is the path of the Nonessentialist. The Essentialist doesn’t just recognize the power of choice, he celebrates it. The Essentialist knows that when we surrender our right to choose, we give others not just the power but also the explicit permission to choose for us.” ― Greg McKeown
“two most personal learnings that have come to me on the long journey of writing this book. The first is the exquisitely important role of my family in my life. At the very, very end, everything else will fade into insignificance by comparison. The second is the pathetically tiny amount of time we have left of our lives. For me this is not a depressing thought but a thrilling one. It removes fear of choosing the wrong thing. It infuses courage into my bones. It challenges me to be even more unreasonably selective about how to use this precious – and precious is perhaps too insipid a word – time.” ― Greg McKeown
“You can do anything but not everything” ― Greg McKeown
“…the faster and busier things get, the more we need to build thinking time into our schedule. And the noisier things get, the more we need to build quiet reflection spaces in which we can truly focus.” ― Greg McKeown
“A non-Essentialist thinks almost everything is essential. An Essentialist thinks almost everything is non-essential.” ― Greg McKeown
“Once an Australian nurse named Bronnie Ware, who cared for people in the last twelve weeks of their lives, recorded their most often discussed regrets. At the top of the list: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” This requires, not just haphazardly saying no, but purposefully, deliberately, and strategically eliminating the nonessentials, and not just getting rid of the obvious time wasters, but cutting out some really good opportunities as well.” ― Greg McKeown
“when people make their problem our problem, we aren’t helping them; we’re enabling them.” ― Greg McKeown
“We need to learn the slow ‘yes’ and the quick ‘no.” ― Greg McKeown
“When you say yes to something nonessential, you are saying no to something essential” ― Greg McKeown
“The word school is derived from the Greek word schole, meaning “leisure.” Yet our modern school system, born in the Industrial Revolution, has removed the leisure—and much of the pleasure—out of learning.” ― Greg McKeown
“ROUTINE, IN AN INTELLIGENT MAN, IS A SIGN OF AMBITION. —W. H. Auden” ― Greg McKeown
“REMEMBER THAT A CLEAR “NO” CAN BE MORE GRACEFUL THAN A VAGUE OR NONCOMMITTAL “YES” ― Greg McKeown
“Don’t ask, “How will I feel if I miss out on this opportunity?” but rather, “If I did not have this opportunity, how much would I be willing to sacrifice in order to obtain it?” ― Greg McKeown
(#Ad) Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less
ABOUT GREG MCKEOWN
Greg McKeown is the author of t (#AD) Effortless: Make It Easy to Get the Right Things Done, and (#Ad) Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, which hit The New York Times bestseller list and has sold more than a million copies. He is also a speaker and the host of the popular podcast What’s Essential.
Greg has been covered by The New York Times, The New Yorker, Fast Company, Fortune, Politico, and Inc., has been interviewed by NPR, NBC, Fox, and The Steve Harvey Show, and is among the most popular bloggers for LinkedIn. He is also a Young Global Leader for the World Economic Forum. Originally from London, England, he now resides in California with his wife, Anna, and their four children. He is a Bishop in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The Road Less Traveled
(#Ad) The Road Less Traveled A New Psychology of Love, Values, and Spiritual Growth, published in 1978, is Peck’s best-known work, and the one that made his reputation. It is, in short, a description of the attributes that make for a fulfilled human being, based largely on his experiences as a psychiatrist and a person.
The book consists of four parts. In the first part Peck examines the notion of discipline, which he considers essential for emotional, spiritual, and psychological health, and which he describes as “the means of spiritual evolution”. The elements of discipline that make for such health include the ability to delay gratification, accepting responsibility for oneself and one’s actions, a dedication to truth, and “balancing”. “Balancing” refers to the problem of reconciling multiple, complex, possibly conflicting factors that impact on an important decision—on one’s own behalf or on behalf of another.
In the second part, Peck addresses the nature of love, which he considers the driving force behind spiritual growth. He contrasts his own views on the nature of love against a number of common misconceptions about love, including:
- that love is identified with romantic love (he considers it a very destructive myth when it is solely relying on “falling in love”),
- that love is related to dependency,
- that true love is linked with the feeling of “falling in love”.
Peck argues that “true” love is rather an action that one undertakes consciously to extend one’s ego boundaries by including others or humanity, and is therefore the spiritual nurturing—which can be directed toward oneself, as well as toward one’s beloved.
In the third part Peck deals with religion, and the commonly accepted views and misconceptions concerning religion. He recounts experiences from several patient case histories, and the evolution of the patients’ notion of God, religion, atheism—especially of their own “religiosity” or atheism—as their therapy with Peck progressed.
The fourth and final part concerns “grace”, the powerful force originating outside human consciousness that nurtures spiritual growth in human beings. To focus on the topic, he describes the miracles of health, the unconscious, and serendipity—phenomena which Peck says:
- nurture human life and spiritual growth,
- are incompletely understood by scientific thinking,
- are commonplace among humanity,
- originate outside the conscious human will.
He concludes that “the miracles described indicate that our growth as human beings is being assisted by a force other than our conscious will” (From Wikipedia)
Top 45 Best Quotes from “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck
“The only real security in life lies in relishing life’s insecurity.” — Scott Peck
“The attempt to avoid legitimate suffering lies at the root of all emotional illness.” — Scott Peck
“When we avoid the legitimate suffering that results from dealing with problems, we also avoid the growth that problems demand from us. It is for this reason that in chronic mental illness we stop growing, we become stuck. And without healing, the human spirit begins to shrivel.” — Scott Peck
“If your goal is to avoid pain and escape suffering, I would not advise you to seek higher levels of consciousness or spiritual evolution. First, you cannot achieve them without suffering, and second, insofar as you do achieve them, you are likely to be called on to serve in ways more painful to you, or at least demanding of you, than you can now imagine. Then why desire to evolve at all, you may ask. If you ask this question, perhaps you do not know enough of joy.” — Scott Peck
“If being loved is your goal, you will fail to achieve it. The only way to be assured of being loved is to be a person worthy of love, and you cannot be a person worthy of love when your primary goal in life is to passively be loved.” — Scott Peck
“We are incapable of loving another unless we love ourselves, just as we are incapable of teaching our children self-discipline unless we ourselves are self-disciplined. It is actually impossible to forsake our own spiritual development in favor of someone else’s. We cannot forsake self-discipline and at the same time be disciplined in our care for another.” — Scott Peck
“Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. It is judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting. It is leadership. The word ‘judicious’ means requiring judgment, and judgment requires more than instinct; it requires thoughtful and often painful decision making. — Scott Peck
“My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision.” — Scott Peck
“When I genuinely love I am extending myself, and when I am extending myself I am growing. The more I love, the longer I love, the larger I become. Genuine love is self-replenishing. The more I nurture the spiritual growth of others, the more my own spiritual growth is nurtured. I am a totally selfish human being. I never do something for somebody else but that I do it for myself. And as I grow through love, so grows my joy, ever more present, ever more constant.” — Scott Peck
“Great marriages cannot be constructed by individuals who are terrified by their basic aloneness, as so commonly is the case, and seek a merging in marriage. Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss. The ultimate goal of life remains the spiritual growth of the individual, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone.” — Scott Peck
“Everyone in our culture desires to some extent to be loving, yet many are not in fact loving. I therefore conclude that the desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will – namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions.” — Scott Peck
“Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. When we desire to encourage the growth of the human spirit, we challenge and encourage the human capacity to solve problems, just as in school we deliberately set problems for our children to solve. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. As Benjamin Franklin said, ‘Those things that hurt, instruct.’ It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems.” — Scott Peck
“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” — Scott Peck
“But many, so many, seek to avoid the pain of their problems by saying to themselves: ‘This problem was caused me by other people, or by social circumstances beyond my control, and therefore it is up to other people or society to solve this problem for me. It is not really my personal problem.’ The extent to which people will go psychologically to avoid assuming responsibility for personal problems, while always sad, is sometimes almost ludicrous.” — Scott Peck
“We can choose how to respond to the experience of falling in love, but we cannot choose the experience itself.” — M. Scott Peck
“We must accept responsibility for a problem before we can solve it. We cannot solve a problem by saying ‘It’s not my problem.’ We cannot solve a problem by hoping that someone else will solve it for us. I can solve a problem only when I say ‘ This is my problem and it’s up to me to solve it.’ ” — M. Scott Peck
“If we know exactly where we’re going, exactly how to get there, and exactly what we’ll see along the way, we won’t learn anything. ” — M. Scott Peck
“The more honest one is, the easier it is to continue being honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again. By their openness, people dedicated to the truth live in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in the open, they become free from fear.” — M. Scott Peck
“Human beings are poor examiners, subject to superstition, bias, prejudice, and a PROFOUND tendency to see what they want to see rather than what is really there.” — M. Scott Peck
“We fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated.[…] No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes.” — M. Scott Peck
(#Ad) The Road Less Traveled A New Psychology of Love, Values, and Spiritual Growth,
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” — M. Scott Peck
“We cannot be a source of strength unless we nurture our own strength. I believe that not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but that ultimately they are indistinguishable.” — M. Scott Peck
“Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward. A full life will be full of pain.” — M. Scott Peck
“It is not selfishness or unselfishness that distinguishes love from non-love; it is the aim of the action.” — M. Scott Peck
“Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.” — M. Scott Peck
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” — M. Scott Peck
“Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truely loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. …Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love.” — M. Scott Peck
“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” — M. Scott Peck
To proceed very far through the desert, you must be willing to meet existential suffering and work it through. In order to do this, the attitude toward pain has to change. This happens when we accept the fact that everything that happens to us has been designed for our spiritual growth.” — M. Scott Peck
“When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion – through the fact that for that someone (or for ourself) we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.” — M. Scott Peck
“I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” — M. Scott Peck
“Dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of antilove. It has its genesis in a parental failure to love and it perpetuates the failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds relationships, and it destroys rather than builds people.” — M. Scott Peck
“Whenever we seek to avoid the responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual or organization or entity. But this means we then give away our power to that entity.” — M. Scott Peck
“Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.” — M. Scott Peck
“Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually cultivates it, even at the risk of separation or loss. The ultimate goal of life remains the spiritual growth of the individual, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone.” — M. Scott Peck
“Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward. A full life will be full of pain.” — M. Scott Peck
“Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent way to live.” — M. Scott Peck
“Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and wisdom.” — M. Scott Peck
“Love always requires courage and involves risk.” — M. Scott Peck
“This inclination to ignore problems is once again a simple manifestation of an unwillingness to delay gratification. Confronting problems is, as I have said, painful. To willingly confront a problem early, before we are forced to confront it by circumstances, means to put aside something pleasant or less painful for something more painful. It is choosing to suffer now in the hope of future gratification rather than choosing to continue present gratification in the hope that future suffering will not be necessary.” – M. Scott Peck
“The act of loving is an act of self-evolution even when the purpose of the act is someone else’s growth.” — M. Scott Peck
“In thinking about miracles, I believe that our frame of reference has been too dramatic. We have been looking for the burning bush, the parting of the sea, the bellowing voice from heaven. Instead we should be looking at the ordinary day-to-day events in our lives for evidence of the miraculous, maintaining at the same time a scientific orientation.” ― M. Scott Peck
M. Scott Peck
Morgan Scott Peck (1936–2005) was an American psychiatrist and best-selling author who wrote the book (#Ad) The Road Less Traveled, published in 1978.
Peck served in administrative posts in the government during his career as a psychiatrist. He also served in the US Army. His army assignments included stints as chief of psychology at the Army Medical Center in Okinawa, Japan, and assistant chief of psychiatry and neurology in the office of the surgeon general in Washington, DC. His first and best-known book, The Road Less Traveled, sold more than 10 million copies.
Peck’s works combined his experiences from his private psychiatric practice with a distinctly religious point of view. In his second book, People of the Lie, he wrote, “After many years of vague identification with Buddhist and Islamic mysticism, I ultimately made a firm Christian commitment – signified by my non-denominational baptism on the ninth of March 1980…” (Peck, 1983/1988, p11). One of his views was that people who are evil attack others rather than face their own failures. (From Wikipedia)
(#Ad) 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, the global bestseller and social media phenomenon, is a collection of author Brianna Wiest’s most beloved pieces of writing. Her meditations include why you should pursue purpose over passion, embrace negative thinking, see the wisdom in daily routine, and become aware of the cognitive biases that are creating the way you see your life. Some of these pieces have never been seen; others have been read by millions of people around the world. Regardless, each will leave you thinking: this idea changed my life. (Amazon review)
Top 140 Best Quotes
“Anything other than ideal is not failure. It’s life.” ― Brianna Wiest
“The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself. The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Everything is hard in some way. It’s hard to be in the wrong relationship. It’s hard to be in the right one. It’s hard to be broke and miserable, it’s hard to achieve your dreams. It’s hard to be stuck in the middle, not really feeling anything at all. Everything is hard, but you choose your hard. You choose what’s worth it. You don’t choose whether or not you’ll suffer, but you do choose what you want to suffer for.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Accomplishing goals is not success. How much you expand in the process is.” ― Brianna Wiest
“The worst happened, and then it passed. You lost the person you thought you couldn’t live without and then you kept living. You lost your job then found another one. You began to realize that “safety” isn’t in certainty—but in faith that you can simply keep going.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Nobody cries at a funeral because the world will be missing out on another pretty face. They cry because the world is missing another heart, another soul, another person. Don’t wait until it’s too late to focus on what will actually matter: creating something that lasts far beyond your body.” ― Brianna Wiest
“At the end of the day, all we really want are a few close people who know us (and love us) no matter what.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Make a list of all the imperfect people you’ve known in your life who have had love. Who have had romantic partners and best friends and jobs you could only ever dream of. Make a list of all the people who are conventionally unattractive and spiritually adrift and imperfect and all the things each one of them had despite being that way. Make it your own personal proof that you do not need to be perfect to be good enough.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Your habits create your mood, and your mood is a filter through which you experience your life.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Your impermanence is a thing you should meditate on every day: There is nothing more sobering, nor scary, nor a faster-way-to-cut-the-negative-bullshit than to remember that you do not have forever. What defines your life, when it’s all said and done, is how much you influence other people’s lives, oftentimes just through your daily interactions and the courage with which you live your own. That’s what people remember. That’s what you will be known for when you’re no longer around to define yourself.” ― Brianna Wiest
“The universe whispers until it screams, and happy people listen while the call is still quiet” ― Brianna Wiest
“Happiness is not how many things you do, but how well you do them. More is not better. Happiness is not experiencing something else; it’s continually experiencing what you already have in new and different ways.” ― Brianna Wiest
“You think your past defines you, and worse, you think that it is an unchangeable reality, when really, your perception of it changes as you do.
Because experience is always multi-dimensional, there are a variety of memories, experiences, feelings, “gists” you can choose to recall…and what you choose is indicative of your present state of mind. So many people get caught up in allowing the past to define them or haunt them simply because they have not evolved to the place of seeing how the past did not prevent them from achieving the life they want, it facilitated it. This doesn’t mean to disregard or gloss over painful or traumatic events, but simply to be able to recall them with acceptance and to be able to place them in the storyline of your personal evolution.” ― Brianna Wiest
“There is no such thing as letting go; there’s just accepting what’s already gone. There’s losing ourselves in the labyrinth of the illusion of control and finding joy in the chaos, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s not forever. It only remains as long as we hold on. As long as we fight. As long as we control. As long as we don’t accept what’s already gone.” ― Brianna Wiest
“An untamed mind is a minefield.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Whatever you feel you are not receiving is a direct reflection of what you are not giving. Whatever you are angered by is what you aren’t willing to see in yourself. So where you feel you are lacking, you must give. Where there is tension, you must unpack. If you want more recognition, recognize others. If you want love, be more loving. Give exactly what you want to get.” ― Brianna Wiest
“What qualities you admire most in other people. (This is what you most like about yourself.)” ― Brianna Wiest
“Work on closing the gap between who the world thinks you are and who you know you are. Your mental health will change significantly.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Make time for the friends you have more than you seek out the ones you don’t. Stop counting how many people are in your life as though hitting a certain tally will make you feel loved. Start appreciating how rare and beautiful it is to even just have one close friend in life. Not everybody is so lucky.” ― Brianna Wiest
“The obsessive desire for a passionate relationship is usually a reflection of a lack of love for oneself. The manic need to pursue a passionate career is rooted in an intense unhappiness with present reality. They are a series of soothing thoughts and deflection methods and escape routes: The monster everyone’s running from, of course, is themselves.” ― Brianna Wiest
“There are two mindsets people tend to have: explorer or settler. Our society has a “settler” mindset, our end goals are “finalizing” (home, marriage, career, etc.) in a world that was made for evolution, in selves that do nothing but grow and expand and change. People with “explorer” mindsets are able to actually enjoy what they have and experience it fully because they are inherently unattached” ― Brianna Wiest
“lack of routine is just a breeding ground for perpetual procrastination.” ― Brianna Wiest
You cannot save up your happiness; you can either feel it in the moment, or you miss it. ― Brianna Wiest
Meeting your own needs is the first step, not the ultimate goal. ― Brianna Wiest
You do owe something to the adult you are today. ― Brianna Wiest
Social media is actually making us more emotionally disconnected. ― Brianna Wiest
“You’re one of those people who tries to find comfort in overanalyzing old things to make more sense of them, when in reality, complexity is a product of insecurity, and insecurity a product of being unable to accept the simple reality of the situation” ― Brianna Wiest
“When you start considering things not as obligations but as opportunities, you start taking advantage of them rather than trying to avoid them.” ― Brianna Wiest
“What you learn and who you become is more important than how you temporarily feel.” ― Brianna Wiest
“To fully accept your life—the highs, lows, good, bad—is to be grateful for all of it, and to know that the “good” teaches you well, but the “bad” teaches you better.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Stop thinking that being sad or broken makes you unlovable or “bad.” Your honest moments don’t destroy relationships, they bond (as long as you’re being genuine).” ― Brianna Wiest
“You’re resentful of whomever you think is responsible for your pain, or your lack of success, or your inability to choose.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Bad feelings should not always be interpreted as deterrents. They are also indicators that you are doing something frightening and worthwhile.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Nobody is thinking about you the way you are thinking about you. They’re all thinking about themselves.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Anxiety builds in our idle hours. Fear and resistance thrive when we’re avoiding the work. Most things aren’t as hard or as trying as we chalk them up to be. They’re ultimately fun and rewarding and expressions of who we really are.” ― Brianna Wiest
“The path to a greater life is not “suffering until you achieve something,” but letting bits and pieces of joy and gratitude and meaning and purpose gradually build, bit by bit.” ― Brianna Wiest
“The foundation of a happy relationship (and life, really) is unconditional kindness. It’s synonymous with love, and maybe even more effective, because it shows you the action as opposed to the feeling or expectation.” ― Brianna Wiest
“When you regulate your daily actions, you deactivate your “fight or flight” instincts because you’re no longer confronting the unknown.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Everything is hard; it’s just a matter of what you think is worth the effort.” ― Brianna Wiest
“You are your struggles. You say, “I am an anxious person” rather than “I sometimes feel anxiety.” You identify with your problems, which is likely a huge reason why you can’t overcome them.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Find meaning and joy in the work you do, not the work you wish you did. Finding fulfillment in work is never about pursuing your idea of what your “purpose” is. It is always about infusing purpose into whatever it is you already do.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Everything you do, see, and feel is a reflection of not who you are, but how you are. You create what you believe. You see what you want. You’ll have what you give.” ― Brianna Wiest
“The most successful people in history—the ones many refer to as “geniuses” in their fields, masters of their crafts—had one thing in common, other than talent: Most adhered to rigid (and specific) routines.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Happiness is not only how we can astound our senses, but also the peace of mind that comes from knowing we are becoming who we want and need to be.” ― Brianna Wiest
“They don’t think that being fearful is a sign they are on the wrong path. The presence of indifference is a sign you’re on the wrong path. Fear means you’re trying to move toward something you love, but your old beliefs, or unhealed experiences, are getting in the way. (Or, rather, are being called up to be healed.)” ― Brianna Wiest
“When you’ve lost sight of the magic of the little things, it’s not because the magic has gone elsewhere, only that you’ve chosen to disregard it in favor of something else.” ― Brianna Wiest
“They listen to hear, not respond.” ― Brianna Wiest
“What you have to know is that suffering is just the refusal to accept what is.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Defensiveness is born of fear; assertiveness is born of confidence.” ― Brianna Wiest
“Every conscious thought you have either circles you back into the mental cycle you’re in, or it liberates you from it.” ― Brianna Wiest
“As children, routine gives us a feeling of safety. As adults, it gives us a feeling of purpose.”― Brianna Wiest
You will be grateful for what you struggle with once you get to the other side. ― Brianna Wiest
Change is in building what’s next, not in dismantling what was. The ultimate path to happiness is non-attachment. ― Brianna Wiest
If you genuinely disliked something, you would simply disengage with it. ― Brianna Wiest
You’re learning, and evolving, and can identify the ways in which you’ve changed for better and worse. ― Brianna Wiest
Nobody wants to believe happiness is a choice, because that puts responsibility in their hands. ― Brianna Wiest
When things go beyond that limit, we sabotage ourselves so we can return to our comfort zones. ― Brianna Wiest
Most prefer the comfort of what they’ve known to the vulnerability of what they don’t. ― Brianna Wiest
You can have an incredible life and mourn wildly when it’s over, but at least there was a means to that end. ― Brianna Wiest
Seek what’s positive, and you’ll find that your threshold for feeling it expands as you decide it can. ― Brianna Wiest
You will never be ready for the things that matter. ― Brianna Wiest
(#Ad) 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think,
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” ― Brianna Wiest
Just write down one sentence that sums up the day before bed. In a year, you’ll be grateful you did. ― Brianna Wiest
Go through your belongings and only keep what’s purposeful or beautiful to you. ― Brianna Wiest
Call your mom. Not everybody has the privilege. ― Brianna Wiest
Do the most important things immediately in the morning. ― Brianna Wiest
Shed what no longer serves you. ― Brianna Wiest
Do not make decisions when you’re upset. ― Brianna Wiest
Take inventory of all the things you’ve thought and worried about that have turned out not to be real. ― Brianna Wiest
Make sure you’re living more than you’re thinking about living. ― Brianna Wiest
Identify your comfort zones, and step back into them now and again. ― Brianna Wiest
Do not live in the grey area when answers are available. ― Brianna Wiest
If you’re uncomfortable, you’re being pushed to think beyond what you’ve known. ― Brianna Wiest
Learn to see each day from the perspective of your older self. ― Brianna Wiest
Let your choices be guided by the person you hope to become. ― Brianna Wiest
Create vision boards. Seeing the life you want is the first step to creating it. ― Brianna Wiest
You’ll regret what you didn’t do, not what you’ve done. ― Brianna Wiest
You get better, not perfect. ― Brianna Wiest
The more you accept other people, the more you’ll accept yourself. ― Brianna Wiest
Ask for help when you actually need help. ― Brianna Wiest
Fear is an indicator that something is powerful and worthwhile. ― Brianna Wiest
Learn how to relax. Work on learning how to happily do nothing. ― Brianna Wiest
If we want to find peace, we need to know there’s a purpose for suffering. ― Brianna Wiest
People’s opinions of you are largely projections of how they see themselves. ― Brianna Wiest
Many people write well. Few people write well and consistently. ― Brianna Wiest
It’s just a matter of having the (often uncomfortable) commitment to keep growing. ― Brianna Wiest
“Safety” isn’t in certainty – but in faith that you can simply keep going. ― Brianna Wiest
“Enjoy what you do each day, no matter what you’re doing” ― Brianna Wiest
People who never get anything done wait to feel inspired. ― Brianna Wiest
(#Ad) 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think
Take photos to remember happy moments, not prove that you looked good or did something cool. ― Brianna Wiest
Just take a photo of whatever’s in front of you (however unworthy of Instagram it is) ― Brianna Wiest
The only way you grow is by stepping into the unknown. ― Brianna Wiest
Life isn’t about being “certain,” it’s about trying anyway. ― Brianna Wiest
You hold yourself accountable for your own happiness. ― Brianna Wiest
What you learn and who you become is more important than how you temporarily feel. ― Brianna Wiest
You have every right to rage and rant and hate every iota of someone’s being, but you also have the right to choose to be at peace. ― Brianna Wiest
Ask yourself what you most feel you are lacking, then look at how little you’re giving them. ― Brianna Wiest
People who waste their lives search for reasons to love rather than ways to love. ― Brianna Wiest
Life is small and simple and more than enough. ― Brianna Wiest
You’re always busy, yet never productive enough. ― Brianna Wiest
The one true sign that you’re moving ahead with your life is that you don’t know where you’re going. ― Brianna Wiest
It’s doing, not thinking about doing, that creates a life well lived. ― Brianna Wiest
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” C.G. Jung ― Brianna Wiest
Figure out what you crave, and figure out how to feed that need yourself. ― Brianna Wiest
Figure out what you most need to heal within yourself by seeing what you most want to change in others. ― Brianna Wiest
You choose what you think about. ― Brianna Wiest
It’s all about growth at the end of the day. ― Brianna Wiest
It’s not about how much you get right, it’s how much you get better. ― Brianna Wiest
A good life is not how it adds up in the end but what you’re counting along the way. ― Brianna Wiest
If it’s in your life, there’s something to be learned from it. ― Brianna Wiest
If you want to be understood, explain. ― Brianna Wiest
If you want to be happy, choose it. ― Brianna Wiest
Choose change. Never sit and fester in frustration. ― Brianna Wiest
If something can be solved, solve it. If it cannot, worrying and fretting will not suddenly change that. ― Brianna Wiest
You can choose who you are every day and it doesn’t have to be the same person you were yesterday. ― Brianna Wiest
You don’t remember years, you remember moments. ― Brianna Wiest
Growth means being able to experience and see more because you are aware of it. ― Brianna Wiest
I am always one choice away from changing everything. ― Brianna Wiest
Give love and do what you most genuinely want to. ― Brianna Wiest
For how many more years are you going to let your demons conquer you? ― Brianna Wiest
Learn to live your life more than you’re inclined to sit around wondering about it. ― Brianna Wiest
Rather than work toward an end goal, work toward liking the process of getting there. ― Brianna Wiest
If you’re looking for an excuse as to why it’s not the right time, you’ll always find one. ― Brianna Wiest
Acceptance is the root of abundance. ― Brianna Wiest
Living to work as opposed to working to live is not a quality of life. ― Brianna Wiest
You’re allowed to be great at a lot of things that don’t necessarily relate to one another. ― Brianna Wiest
You do not have to be a novel; you can be a book of stories. ― Brianna Wiest
It’s a matter of how you connect, not who you have around. ― Brianna Wiest
You should say no when you want to say no. ― Brianna Wiest
The happier you are with what you do, the less you need other people to support you. ― Brianna Wiest
Learn to keep your needs simple and your wants small. ― Brianna Wiest
You don’t need to know what you’re doing to still do something extraordinary. ― Brianna Wiest
Focus instead on what you want to do with each and every day of your existence. ― Brianna Wiest
Your life exists in its days. Not in your ideas about those days. ― Brianna Wiest
The opposite of pain isn’t joy – it’s acceptance. ― Brianna Wiest
You are only as alone as you think you are. ― Brianna Wiest
You cannot squeeze someone into your brokenness and expect that to make you whole. ― Brianna Wiest
You have to stop believing that you need other people’s permission to be okay with yourself. ― Brianna Wiest
How often you make time to do the things you want, not the things that are expected of you. ― Brianna Wiest
Brianna Wiest
Brianna Wiest is the international bestselling author of (#Ad) 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, The Mountain Is You, When You’re Ready, This Is How You Heal, and two poetry collections, Salt Water and Ceremony. Her books have sold over 1M+ copies worldwide, and are currently being translated into 17+ languages.
Follow & like
