Everyone has the ability to build mental strength, but most people don’t know how or don’t give enough importance to it. People spend a lot more time talking about physical strength and physical health, but much less time on mental strength and mental health.

No matter what your goals are, building mental strength is the key to reaching your greatest potential. Amy Morin is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. Since 2002, she has been counseling children, teens, and adults.

In her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success Amy Morin explains how developing mental strength is about controlling our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

Here are 13 things mentally strong people do not do, according to the author:

1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

“Feeling sorry for yourself is self-destructive,” and “Indulging in self-pity hinders living a full life.

Instead, the key is to “affirm the good in the world, and you will begin to appreciate what you have.” It’s better to swap self-pity with gratitude.

Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power

Mentally strong people don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

We give away our power when we don’t establish physical and emotional boundaries. We need to stand up for ourselves and draw the line when necessary. 

3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change

Mentally strong people accept change because they know that it’s inevitable. They welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible.

There are five stages of change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Moving through with each of the five steps is crucial. Making changes can be frightening, but shying away from them impedes growth. “The longer you wait, the harder it gets,” … “other people will outgrow you.”

4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control

A mentally strong person will not complain over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, she will focus on what she can control in her life. She understands that often the only thing she can control is her attitude.

“It feels so safe to have everything under control, but thinking we have the power to always pull the strings can become problematic”

Trying to be in control of everything isn’t the best way of overcoming anxiety.

“Rather than focusing on managing your anxiety, you try controlling your environment”

5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone

Often we worry too much about what other people think of us, which is the opposite of mental toughness.

Giving up a people-pleasing mindset will make people stronger and more self-confident, even because trying to please everybody is a waste of time and people-pleasers are easily manipulated.

Mentally strong people, on the other hand, understand that it’s impossible to please everyone all the time and they’re not afraid to say no when it’s needed or speak up when appropriate. Mentally strong people try to be kind and fair, but at the same time they can handle other people being upset with them.

6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

People are often afraid to take risks, but often the reason is lack of enough knowledge.

“A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear,”

Mentally strong people avoid foolish risks, but they understand the importance of taking calculated risks, when necessary. They take their time to weigh the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they make sure of being properly informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

To better analyze a risk, you may ask yourself the following questions:

• What are the potential costs?
• What are the potential benefits?
• How will this help me achieve my goal?
• What are the alternatives?
• How good would it be if the best-case scenario came true?
• What is the worst thing that could happen, and how could I reduce the risk it will occur?
• How bad would it be if the worst-case scenario did come true?
• How much will this decision matter in five years?

7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past

The past is best left in the past because it can’t be changed and “dwelling can be self-destructive, preventing us from enjoying the present and planning for the future.” It doesn’t solve anything and can even lead to depression. 

Reflecting on the lessons learned and looking at a situation from a new perspective can be helpful, but mentally strong people don’t waste time wishing things could have been different. They learn from the past and move on.

8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

Reflecting on the lessons learned can help to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Mentally strong people accept responsibility for their past mistakes and create new plans to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

Resentment is like anger that remains hidden and bottled up. 

Focusing on another person’s success will not help build our own, but it may become a distraction. If we keep focusing on others, we may never be content of what we have achieved. We may even end up overlooking our own talents and wasting precious time instead than working hard to achieve our own success..

Mentally strong people are able to appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life without becoming frustrated or jealous.

10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure

“Take, for example, Theodor Giesel — also known as Dr. Seuss — whose first book was rejected by more than 20 publishers.” Giesel could have given up, but he didn’t, and then Dr. Seuss became a success.

Failure is a fact of life and we need to expect it and accept it, without getting discouraged. It’s an obstacle that we need to overcome.

Success is almost never immediate, but failure doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t good enough. But “bouncing back after failure will make you stronger.”

11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time

“Creating time to be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful experience, instrumental in helping you reach your goals.” Becoming mentally strong “requires you to take time out from the busyness of daily life to focus on growth.”

Mentally strong people are comfortable spending time alone and they don’t fear silence. They like their own company.

Here are some of the benefits of solitude, according to the author:

• Solitude at work can increase productivity.
• Alone time may increase your empathy.
• Spending time alone sparks creativity.
• Solitary skills are good for mental health.
• Solitude offers restoration.

12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything

“Life isn’t meant to be fair.” If some people experience better results than others, “that’s life — but it doesn’t mean you’re owed anything if you were dealt a bad hand.”

Success needs to be earned. The key is to focus on our own efforts, welcome criticism, recognize our flaws, and don’t keep score. Comparing ourselves to others lead to disappointment when we don’t receive what we think we deserve.

Mentally strong people don’t feel entitled to special treatments in life. They don’t expect that others will take care of them, but instead they look for opportunities.

13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results

“A willingness to develop realistic expectations and an understanding that success doesn’t happen overnight is necessary if you want to reach your full potential”

Mentally weak people often overestimate their abilities and underestimate how long change takes, while expecting immediate results.

Mentally strong people, on the other hand, understand the importance of “keeping their eyes on the prize” and persistently work towards their long-term goals, despite inevitable setbacks.

20 Great Quotes From 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

“Developing mental strength isn’t about having to be the best at everything. It also isn’t about earning the most money or achieving the biggest accomplishments. Instead, developing mental strength means knowing that you’ll be okay no matter what happens. Whether you’re facing serious personal problems, a financial crisis, or a family tragedy, you’ll be best prepared for whatever circumstances you encounter when you’re mentally strong. Not only will you be ready to deal with the realities of life, but you’ll be able to live according to your values no matter what life throws your way.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Retaining your power is about being confident in who you are and the choices you make, despite the people around you and the circumstances you’re in.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Learning from each mistake requires self-awareness and humility, but it can be one of the biggest keys to reaching your full potential.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, spend some time studying it. Set any negative feelings you might have aside, acknowledge the factors that led up to your misstep, and learn from it.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present. —MARIANNE WILLIAMSON” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Learning from each mistake requires self-awareness and humility, but it can be one of the biggest keys to reaching your full potential.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness. —DALE CARNEGIE” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“When you learn to let go of the details you can’t control, the amount of time and energy you’ll be able to devote to the things you can control will give you the ability to accomplish incredible feats.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Deliberate practice is more important than natural talent. Although we’re often led to believe that we’re either gifted with natural-born talent or we aren’t, most talents can be cultivated through hard work. Research studies have found that after ten years of daily practice, people can surpass others with natural talent in chess, sports, music, and the visual arts. After twenty years of dedicated practice, many people who lack natural talent can gain world-class achievement. But often we believe if we weren’t born with a specific gift, we won’t ever be able to develop enough talent to become successful. This belief can cause you to give up before you’ve had a chance to cultivate the skills necessary to succeed. •” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. —NELSON MANDELA” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Each time you avoid saying no to something you really don’t want, you give away your power.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Clearly identify the type of person you’d like to be. Then, be proactive about becoming that person. . . Don’t wait for friends to come to you; start acting like a friendly person now and you can develop new friendships.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“time doesn’t heal anything; it’s how we deal with that time that determines the speed at which we heal.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Just because it’s a popular choice doesn’t mean it’s the right choice.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality. —JOHN GARDNER” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Refusing to dwell on the past doesn’t mean you pretend the past didn’t happen. In fact, it often means embracing and accepting your experiences so you can live in the present. Doing so frees up your mental energy and allows you to plan for your future based on who you want to become, not who you used to be. Anger, shame, and guilt can run your life if you’re not careful. Letting go of those emotions helps you to be in charge of your life.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success. —NAPOLEON HILL” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“If you want to be successful at reaching your goals, you need to define your path, not just do what other people want you to do.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“Think of it this way: you’re only as good as your worst habits.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

“We work hard to do the things that we think will make us better, but we forget to focus on the things that might be sabotaging our efforts.” ― Amy Morin, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success