In this groundbreaking guide, (#Ad) The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life“, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from—and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship.
The Gaslight Effect arises from an intricate dynamic between two individuals: the gaslighter, who desperately clings to being right to maintain their self-esteem and a sense of dominance; and the gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to shape their perception of reality due to an idealization of the gaslighter and a strong desire for their approval. If even a tiny fraction of you believes that you are incomplete on your own, relying on the love or approval of your gaslighter to feel whole, then you become susceptible to gaslighting. Exploiting this vulnerability, the gaslighter repeatedly undermines your self-confidence, leaving you in constant doubt about yourself.
Are You Being Gaslighted?
Check for these telltale signs:
1. You constantly second-guess yourself.
2. You wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
4. You have trouble making simple decisions.
5. You think twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
Top 15 Quotes from The Gaslight Effect
“I think this point is so important, I’m going to repeat it: You should never listen to criticism that is primarily intended to wound, even if it contains more than a grain of truth.” ― Robin Stern“
“Don’t ask yourself, “Who’s Right?” Ask yourself, “Do I like being treated this way?” ― Robin Stern
“Gaslighting works only when you believe what the gaslighter says and need him to think well of you.” ― Robin Stern
“The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval.” ― Robin Stern
“Paradoxically .. the very feminist movement that gave women more options also helped create pressure on many of us to be strong, successful, and independent—the kind of women who would theoretically be immune to any form of abuse from men. As a result, women who are in gaslighting and other types of abusive relationships may feel doubly ashamed: first, for being in a bad relationship, and second, for not living up to their self-imposed standards of strength and independence.” ― Robin Stern
“A gaslighter has such a flawed sense of self that he can’t tolerate the slightest challenge to the way he sees things. However he decides to explain the world to himself, that’s how you must see it, too—or leave him prey to unbearable anxiety.” ― Robin Stern
“When you don’t take responsibility for your actions, or deflect responsibility, or try to undermine the credibility of the person asking you about your actions, that’s gaslighting,” ― Robin Stern
“Five Ways to Turn Off the Gas 1. Sort out truth from distortion. 2. Decide whether the conversation is really a power struggle. And if it is, opt out. 3. Identify your gaslight triggers, and his. 4. Focus on feelings instead of “right” and “wrong.” 5. Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion—even if you’re right!” ― Robin Stern
“The essence of gaslighting is the Gaslight Tango—the dance between two people who each need the participation of the other.” ― Robin Stern
“The gaslightee is terrified that her partner might yell, or criticize her, or even leave her, and she’s sure that if her fear is realized, she’ll be completely overwhelmed.”― Robin Stern
“Now, instead of starting with your own perspective, you start with his. It may even feel normal to be constantly on the defensive. When your gaslighter overreacts, you no longer wonder, “What’s wrong with him?” Instead, you jump either to placate him or to defend yourself.” ― Robin Stern
“I also want you to remember that changing your own behavior is an extraordinary achievement and one that will repay you handsomely for the rest of your life.” ― Dr. Robin Stern
“When you don’t take responsibility for your actions, or deflect responsibility, or try to undermine the credibility of the person asking you about your actions, that’s gaslighting,” ― Robin Stern
“Gaslighting may not involve all of these experiences or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it extra attention.
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
6. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great. 8. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You have trouble making simple decisions.
13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.
14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person—more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.
17. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.
19. You find yourself furious with people you’ve always gotten along with before.
20. You feel hopeless and joyless.” ― Robin Stern,
“Remember: As long as there’s any part of yourself that believes you need your gaslighter to feel better about yourself, to boost your confidence, or to bolster your sense of who you are in the world, you’ll be leaving yourself open for gaslighting.” ― Robin Stern
(#Ad) The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life”
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